No, you cannot: A Look Back at 2012

Another year gone, more insanity to spread.  One would think it would be difficult to keep up a blog for two consecutive years on the same topic, but alas, I'm never void of ridiculous material to share with my readers.  Memory lane is calling our names; let's revisit the top stories of 2012, shall we?

Voted Most Popular story #3 is: "No, you cannot scold me in public"

A trip to Toronto proved that managers in all countries tend to be an easy subject of scorn.  After blasting these two managers on No Ponies and Twitter, Chipotle actually wrote back with an apology and promise to speak to the managers about their behavior.  1- No Ponies, 0- hat visors in the workplace.

We have a tie at #2 ladies and gentleman!

Keeping things PC is the infamous: "No, you cannot pick crops at the drugstore"

Back in February, Walgreens showed its support for Black History Month as well as proof of why someone lost their job that day.

Rounding off the summer heat wave is: "No, you cannot be that desperate"

This summer I easily proved that long periods of extreme heat entice people to lose their ability to make rational life decisions.  Case in point, photo to the left.

 And your most read Pony post of 2012 is: "No, you cannot use off-brand font"

Co-workers are a breeding pool for blog material.  These are people you are forced to see day in and day out who you never got a say in screening in the first place.  Some are over-sharers, closet hoarders, or somehow skirting by while brown-nosing all the way to the top.  Others, unfortunately, just don't know how to use Times New Roman.








Thank you again for making No Ponies a regular in daily distractions from your actual priorities; wishing you a great start to 2013 and much, much more irony to come!  Until next time...neigh.

No, you cannot pull a rabbit out of a subway car

Far beneath the city that never sleeps lies another world filled with entertainment beyond belief.  The free acts found on the New York City subway system could literally keep one occupied with song and dance for hours on end.  From the standard guitar player and gutsy break dancer to the bizarre 6-piece mariachi band or exotic Chinese erhu; these "artists" tend to enter a train car unnoticed then all of the sudden start to peddle their wares for the merriment, and hopefully pocket change, of weary travelers.  I thought I had seen it all until my friend sent along photos of a full blown magic act happening on the 6 train during her morning commute.  We're not talking pulling quarters out of a stranger's ear or a never-ending line of colorful scarves- oh no, that's all too mundane for Manhattanites!  Let's pull out the big guns, shall we?  The real bucks are made when there are live animals involved, in this case the infamous white rabbit.  Poor rabbit, had no idea what he was getting himself into when staring at this guy with big brown eyes from behind the glass at the local Petsmart. The subway holds a tough crowd, at least now the rabbit has a better chance to make it on Broadway after all of this practice.

No, you cannot stick me there

Growing up I distinctly remember my mom sporting 'My Child is an Honor Roll Student!' and 'Dance Mom' proudly on her car bumper; I also recall being slightly embarrassed by this but feeling some consolation in the fact that every other minivan boasted the same excessive signs.  As bumper stickers became a thing of the past, more ridiculous decals were unveiled that went above and beyond TMI.  Gone were the days one could only gloat about their child's stellar swimming status or brag that this was their 6th (yes 6th!) consecutive year at band camp.  Oh no, the entire family (dogs, cats and fish included) now gets recognition.  Does your husband golf?  We've got him with a 9 iron!  Two daughters in ballet, one on the chess team, son in soccer and baby on the way?  Get the basic family accessories package and detachable baby bump for easy updating after nine months fly by!

Seriously?  Pretty soon this person won't be able to see out the back window; an obstruction of view ticket is rapidly approaching with each car line drop off.

No, you cannot be that lost

With 10 stories, 7 restaurants and an entire city block under its foundation, the Macy’s of Herald Square in New York city proudly boasts the name “America’s Largest Department Store”.   As the holidays quickly approach, hoards of visitors from around the world come to see the spectacle that is home to the Thanksgiving Day Parade and Miracle on 34th Street.  As you can imagine, these  wide-eyed and bushy-tailed voyagers have no clue where they’re going. 

Cue the clever yet unnecessary app! 

Macy’s has unveiled an indoor GPS iPhone app that gives turn-by-turn directions to guide the eager shopper through perfume counters, clothing racks and shoe departments alike.  Listen, I’m in the technology field and think this is actually a creative use of the GPS feature but let’s re-evaluate the repercussions of this.  Now instead of trudging through the chaos with semi-alert tourists, you will be dealing with a bunch of head-down autobots attempting to get to Aunt Annie’s on the 4th floor while never once looking up.  To make sure this has a creepy factor, they will also be able to track your every movement around the store and bombard you with ads of things you clearly don’t need nearby.  Very clever retail trick, Macy’s; fortunately I only get into the store about once a year and now with your handy app I’ll be in and out to use your public restroom in a flash.

No, you cannot grind my teeth for me

Cereal, the breakfast of champions.  I try to steer clear of the sugary types though something sweet every now and then won't kill anyone... or so I thought.  When getting ready one morning the Today Show had a quick piece on a Kellogg's recall of Frosted Mini-Wheats cereal; my ears perked up as I was three-quarters of the way through the box sitting in my kitchen.  Apparently 2.8 million boxes of the bite-sized goodies were being recalled due to, "... the possible presence of fragments of flexible metal mesh from a faulty manufacturing part."  Oh, I'm sorry, did you just say there may be METAL in my cereal?  Upon further investigation the 'Best if Used By' date and ID number verified that I had, in fact, fallen victim to the misplaced metallics.  According to this article, I can take my product back to the place of purchase and get a full refund.  Sure, I'd really like to be in front of a line of hasty New Yorkers when I try to pull that move tomorrow after work; I have a better chance of surviving if I eat the rest of the cereal.

No, you cannot pretend to go global

New York City is well known for being a melting pot; you can stroll down one city block and identify at least 10 separate candidates to star in "It's a Small World".  While walking through the Times Square subway station (don't ask) I came across a special little barber shop where one can get their hair did while waiting for a train.  I almost passed right by without a second thought until something peculiar caught my eye.  A poster hanging squarely in the front window boasts 30 popular hairstyle choices for men and boys.  Not just any old hairstyles, oh no, but "International".  I may not be the most worldly person but something tells me this does not qualify for international status.  Either the barber knows only one medium or they are promoting segregation; either way, I'd recommend taking that down.

No, you cannot bounce in the streets

On any given weekend in the city one can easily find a street fair blocking a few intersections.  Don't get me wrong- funnel cake, stuffed animals, unnecessary paraphernalia for sale- it's all in good fun.  A couple of weeks ago, I walked out my front door on a beautiful Saturday afternoon to find one such fair occupying my residential street.  As I tried to escape as quickly as possible from the hoards of people and screaming children my route was blocked by a blow-up monstrosity in the shape of a bounce house castle.  The least they could have done was put it on a flat surface so the kids don't come tumbling out the front.  No one ever said carnivals on the streets of New York were safe... or fun.

No, you cannot cater to only the male population

Everything in NYC is smaller to accommodate 8 million + people in not enough space- apartments, grocery stores, dogs.  I was just in my corner market last week which has carts made to hold a maximum of 2 boxes of cereal and aisles that give a whole new meaning to the idea of bumper cars.  When standing in the checkout line I noticed a new convenient little corner set up with goodies galore- 6-packs, bags of chips, Muscle Milk, toothpaste, basically a one-stop-shop for all things unhealthy yet contrastingly necessary.  Not until I saw the sign plastered in the middle of this arrangement did I get perturbed; it had been labeled "The Man Shelf".  I'm no feminist, but I am a girl with lots of things to do and no time to weave in and out of shuffling pedestrians to get my weekly goods.  I would appreciate a section geared towards women as well to keep my trip to a 5 minute max.  You know, the staples- pinot grigio, Wheat Thins, Vitamin Water and tampons.  While we're at it, better throw in a frozen section for that new Ben & Jerry's Greek Frozen Yogurt, clearly that goes hand in hand with the tampons.

No, you cannot panhandle in public

Manhattan is full of panhandlers; if you've ever walked down Canal Street you can clearly vouch for this statement.  Usually though, the realistic fakes are hidden behind a door, down an alley, past the hanging chickens, up a dark stairwell- three knocks and a whistle later you'll find yourself a Pucci purse for a 1/4 of the real thing.  While walking through Herald Square last weekend my afternoon stroll was interrupted by a block worth of bag thieves and a gaggle of tourists aiding them in breaking the law.  Purses were sprawled out all over sheets on the side of 6th avenue; the unassuming travelers didn't stand a chance.  Who can pass up a counterfeit handbag that has been massaged with the scent of car emissions and splashed with the omnipresent trash juice of New York City?  A housewife from Iowa surely cannot.

No, you cannot take off your shoes

Unpleasant public places are especially unpleasant as you usually have no way to escape. One of the ultimate offenders is the airport security line.  While at LaGuardia preparing for an early trip to Chicago, a father and son stepped in front of my friend and I at security.  The normal events began to take place- laptop out of bag, belt off, shoes removed... and then it happened.  I'm not sure if the smell is even describable but it was surely coming from none other than the son's sweaty, socked feet on a 90 degree day.  Truly a test of will power not to stampede through and risk possible arrest, we had no choice but to wait behind him to pass through the metal detector. As I walked under the canopied machine, two TSA agents began to realize why we hadn't taken a breath in 3 minutes; one proceeded to spray down the conveyer belt with Lysol, hoping to save what was left of the people in line.  By the time I got to the other side, my friend realized that smelly feet had left his plane ticket in the bin; neither of us wanted to personally return it in fear of being that close to what was growing in his sneakers.  Either way, we found out his name is Rafael and his seat was at least 15 rows in front of ours.  No one likes a plane neighbor who removes their shoes to get comfy, as the poor guy sitting next to Rafael would soon learn.  I hear Odor-Eaters does wonders for this issue, as does wearing sandals in the height of summer.

No, you cannot fight like cats and dogs

Last summer I brought you a story about a Care Bear meandering down Broadway and offended said Care Bear, leading to a surplus of comments in which he claims that being a Furry is completely normal.  I still beg to differ with this notion.

Recently my friend happened to be sitting at her apartment window on Gay Street in Greenwich Village when a group of 'Fursuiters' appeared out of the blue.  Some 20+ cats and dogs came running down the alley making war for no apparent reason, then peacefully huddling once the winner had been decided.  This seems to be a growing trend that I just can't get behind; in case you're interested, though, it's easy to find a Furry meet-up in a town near you!

I can't make this stuff up.

No, you cannot go all-out commando

Down in the warm city of Ft. Lauderdale, FL women can be seen trotting around in next to nothing and calling it clothing just to survive possible heat stroke.  My best friend and her fiance unfortunately see one such woman far too often, one who bothers wearing nothing at all.  This woman, known as "Big Bertha", is apparently homeless and camps out on the regs on a public bench stationed outside this innocent Walgreens.   If the photo isn't enough, Bertha was arrested recently and "...charged with exposure of sexual organs in public and was initially held on a $100 bond, according to the South Florida Sun-Sentinel."  Bertha claims she was just changing her clothes which is why she happened to be found naked on the bus bench.  Poor attorney Steve Rossi, his advertisement on that bench is forever tainted with Bertha's body excretions; maybe he can have her kept in jail or, at the very least, comp her an orange jumpsuit.

No, you cannot be that desperate

It's a scorcher today in NYC; with temperatures hitting the triple digits people were doing anything to stay cool.  I solved this problem by drinking a glass of ice water on my way to work- others took it a little too far.  As I walked through Washington Square Park, squealing and splashing could undeniably be spotted in only one place- the central fountain.  Meant to be a place of observation, children, teenagers and adults alike were bathing in the midst of hundreds of on-lookers.  Hate to be the bearer of bad news, but pretty sure that water is reclaimed from NYU bathrooms or, if you're lucky, the Hudson.  A few tips if you must jump in: try not to slip, keep your mouth shut, and refrain if you're wearing a clingy cotton dress with no bra.  Just saying.

No, you cannot feel free to pee

Listen, I understand the curse of a bladder the size of a pea.  Many a road trip was interrupted growing up and I can now tell you where every Starbucks in the city is located. Some people unfortunately are not using this same tact and wait far too long to pull the trigger.  Case in point, check out this sign on the door of a convenience store.  I'm not sure which is worse, the numerous people who had to have done this which inspired the sign or the fact that the owners think the way to solve this problem is with the sign.  Anyone who is urinating on the building is clearly not making it to the door for further instruction, so technically they're preaching to the choir.  The double underlining really drives the point home here; hey, at least they said thank you.

No, you cannot give your baby an iPhone

A routine trip to Target is always necessary when I make it back home for a weekend; something about being 5 minutes away by car and not having to haul purchases home on foot make it much more appealing then their Brooklyn outpost.  While distracting my 18-month old niece in the toy aisle I came across a brightly-colored plaything called the Apptivity Case.  Made by Fisher Price in their 'Laugh & Learn' line, this novelty item for babies 6 months and up "...will protect your iPhone or iPod touch from dribbles, drool, and unwanted call-making. Busy beads and a mirror add baby-appropriate play. And free Laugh & Learn™ apps mean plenty of learning fun!"  Hang on a second folks.  Just because we adults walk around with our faces buried in technology doesn't mean your baby should know how to make a swipe gesture with their index finger by end of year one.  Don't let the textured handles and activity beads fool you, this is just a little insane.  Get your kid a stuffed animal for Pete's sake.

No, you cannot ignore a dirty diaper

How many times have you seen a mother changing her child in an inappropriate public location?  I'm talking airplane seat cushion, park bench, movie theater...yes I've seen them all.  Sadly I passed by the ultimate offense recently- changing via New York City sidewalk.  Sure, the mother put down a blanket and even had the decency to also sit on the ground so the child didn't feel they were the only one contracting diseases at a rapid pace.  I'm going out on a limb here and assuming that there was a Starbucks nearby with a perfectly usable public bathroom, free changing table included.  Instead, she gave no less than 100 passerbys a reason to call her the worst mother of the year.  Congrats!

No, you cannot do party tricks in the park

72 and sunny describes this past Saturday in Manhattan perfectly.  Sundresses and popsicles abound, not a soul wasted the day. While at the river working on our base tans, my roommate pointed out an interesting side show nearby.  Looking up from my book, I found a Cirque du Soleil-esque performance being put on by two girls in yoga clothes.  This is usually behavior saved for a parent and child playing airplane, not grown women wondering how flexible they can prove to be in public.  Save it for pilates class, ladies; a broken neck would really put a damper on such a nice day.

No, you cannot creep me out

Mannequins creep me out.  Mannequins making facial expressions creep me out even more.  While walking down 14th street I passed by a wig store which displays its luxurious locks in the window atop multiple busts oddly placed on Grecian columns.  Whoever styled this window should find a new career choice; never mind the wigs themselves, look at the two figures on the left- absolutely terrifying.  Who is going to walk into this store with them as the greeting committee? Clearly only clientele of a place called 'Wigs and Plus'.  Clearly.

No, you cannot lick my cake

I distinctly remember as a 5th grader loving Cinnaburst gum.  Not only was it tasty but you could even chew the white paper wrapping flecked with tiny cinnamon flavor crystals; what 10 year old didn't want to do that?  Apparently a confection company in London wondered the same thing but then acted on it, leading to disaster.  The Senior Brand Manager at McVitie's thought it a marvelous portrayal of wit and intoxication of one's youth to line an office elevator with lickable wallpaper.  The paper portrays over 1,000 Jaffa Cakes, giving the 9-to-5 drone "a little joy"in their stressful day.  Descriptive phrases such as "crackly chocolate" and "orangey bits" are not helping their cause; co-workers can crawl on the floor or even stand on their tiptoes to reach the highest cakes.  Not to worry, my friends, the cakes are apparently "refreshed" so you don't pass cooties (or mono, but whatever you want to call it).  The only way this would work is if the cakes were legitimately refreshed every single time someone stepped foot in or out of that elevator.  No, on second thought that clearly would not work either.  Sorry McVitie's, stick to selling biscuits and you may not completely tarnish your name. And fire that Senior Brand Manager while you're at it.

This can't be real life

No, you cannot scold me in public

Whether dentist or dietitian, banker or balloon-animal artist, the annual review is an inescapable process in everyone's professional career.  As I found out this week, employees at fast food joints are not excused from this awkward meeting with their managers.  While enjoying a burrito bowl at Chipotle, I overheard an unreasonably loud conversation taking place between three employees.  The two managers were telling a 'crew member' (aka burrito roller) how he was doing on the job.  They criticized how he worked with other crew members, suggested greeting customers with more 'pizazz', and explained that the burritos needed to be rolled just a little tighter (fine, I made the last one up).  Either way, being reviewed in the middle of your workplace is not only embarrassing but must be against at least a few Department of Labor rules.  Do you think the balloon-animal artist would appreciate being told his monkeys should look less like dogs by the head clown in front of a birthday party of rambunctious five year-olds?  I don't think so.