No, you cannot pimp your child out at a bar

If you've ever been to the Hamptons, you've been to Cyril's.  If you've been to Cyril's, you were more than likely there on a Saturday afternoon- sun shining brightly in the midday sky, drink in hand, 20-somethings with next to nothing on.  This my friends is a beach party; you don't come in your Lily dress, wearing heels or a bow tie, and you certainly don't bring your child.  In the backyard of this seafood spectacular is where you can find a bar dedicated to concocting only BBC's (look it up) and a live DJ ready to let that rum topper go to work.  Apparently this man saw the non-sober afternoon soiree as the perfect place to introduce his 1-year old son to the ladies.  As you can tell by the faces of the men surrounding the dance circle, they were not happy about this small but lethal competition.  Just as the dance-off had begun, the tiny tot was scooted out into the middle of the floor, abounding encouragement coming from whom I assume is his father (though alcoholic uncle attempting to pick up chicks is a viable second thought.)  Don't get me wrong, it was absolutely adorable watching the little man get into the music with a crowd egging him on, random girls picking him up and slinging him around the dance floor, aka gravel.  It just seems this would be more appropriate if at a wedding or a child's birthday party, not in a popular bar full of unruly frat boys and girls 3 sheets to the wind roaming around.  Just saying.

No, you cannot be a seat hog

I've been through my fair share of airports in the past 6 months, taking witness to the good, the bad, and the unnecessary.  I don't believe you can step foot in one of these flying facilities without seeing an off-beat character or two, making for some of the best people-watching hubs around.   Take my friend Jami, who just last week was traveling when she came upon a man in quite the precarious position.  Waiting in the airport for hours at a time can make one tired, tired enough to take a short snooze before the second-delayed flight of the day finally decides to board.  (Viable option, though I would recommend using this as an opportunity to visit the bar kiosk conveniently located near the gate for functioning alcoholics and parents with screaming children alike.)  If a nap is in order, it is commonly performed in the upright position as it is not polite nor sanitary to get creative in this environment. 

Unfortunately for Jami's fellow traveler, the decision to take up an entire seating section only ended in personal dismay.  He was too late in learning that this was not his comfy futon at home but rather three seats separated by narrow arm rests which were intended to only rest arms, not serve as a McDonald's play place for grown men.  I wasn't there to bear witness, but I'm assuming after this man realized he was stuck, a large power struggle commenced which ended in the chair's victory.  I would also like to note that he has become so comfortable in his horizontal hover that apparently shoes were no longer needed.  The take-aways here are obvious:

1) Don't hog the seats at the airport; there are far too many people that don't want to sit next to each other for you to take up an entire row.
2) Wearing shoes in public places is mandatory, not by the Department of Health, but rather by your body's immune system and the prevention of nightmares regarding foot fungus.
3) This could have all been prevented if he would have stopped by the aforementioned bar, as shoes and common sense are enforced when drinking in public.

No, you cannot claim a circus tent as your umbrella

On a rainy day in the city you can expect to find numerous umbrella casualties in the trash bins on every street corner.  For some reason or another, the wind whipping between skyscrapers does not lend for friendly conditions on your protective shield.  Umbrellas come in all shapes and sizes, colors and patterns, but there is an agreed upon code between New Yorkers which says, when in the open state, umbrellas can extend a maximum of 18" - 24" inches from the dry person's body.  It is when a person breaks this unspoken rule that things get a little messy.  Sidewalks are only so wide here, not to mention the random piles of trash bags, scattered puddles, and scurrying puppies to avoid.  Then you run into the man who feels that in order to stay completely dry it is necessary to carry a golf umbrella the size of a small kiddie pool over his head.  Or better yet the old lady with a monstrosity in her hand flailing around in the wind, coming straight at you with no regard for personal space or possible eyeball loss.

Take the two men pictured below who both ricocheted off of my regulation-sized umbrella under an unavoidable scaffolding during after-work foot traffic.  I personally do not appreciate your gargantuan cover up; it may keep you dry but tends to take out the rest of the population as you stroll by.  An umbrella is meant to be a small and portable protection from rain, not an apparatus which could serve as a carnival ride for small children.  Lucky for you, also found on a rainy day in the city are pop-up stations selling the correct size umbrella for $5!  Do yourself a favor and invest in one, which eventually will end up in the corner trash bin, therefore allowing me to avoid being inappropriately groped by your poor choice of collapsible fabric.