No, you cannot pretend to go global

New York City is well known for being a melting pot; you can stroll down one city block and identify at least 10 separate candidates to star in "It's a Small World".  While walking through the Times Square subway station (don't ask) I came across a special little barber shop where one can get their hair did while waiting for a train.  I almost passed right by without a second thought until something peculiar caught my eye.  A poster hanging squarely in the front window boasts 30 popular hairstyle choices for men and boys.  Not just any old hairstyles, oh no, but "International".  I may not be the most worldly person but something tells me this does not qualify for international status.  Either the barber knows only one medium or they are promoting segregation; either way, I'd recommend taking that down.

No, you cannot bounce in the streets

On any given weekend in the city one can easily find a street fair blocking a few intersections.  Don't get me wrong- funnel cake, stuffed animals, unnecessary paraphernalia for sale- it's all in good fun.  A couple of weeks ago, I walked out my front door on a beautiful Saturday afternoon to find one such fair occupying my residential street.  As I tried to escape as quickly as possible from the hoards of people and screaming children my route was blocked by a blow-up monstrosity in the shape of a bounce house castle.  The least they could have done was put it on a flat surface so the kids don't come tumbling out the front.  No one ever said carnivals on the streets of New York were safe... or fun.

No, you cannot cater to only the male population

Everything in NYC is smaller to accommodate 8 million + people in not enough space- apartments, grocery stores, dogs.  I was just in my corner market last week which has carts made to hold a maximum of 2 boxes of cereal and aisles that give a whole new meaning to the idea of bumper cars.  When standing in the checkout line I noticed a new convenient little corner set up with goodies galore- 6-packs, bags of chips, Muscle Milk, toothpaste, basically a one-stop-shop for all things unhealthy yet contrastingly necessary.  Not until I saw the sign plastered in the middle of this arrangement did I get perturbed; it had been labeled "The Man Shelf".  I'm no feminist, but I am a girl with lots of things to do and no time to weave in and out of shuffling pedestrians to get my weekly goods.  I would appreciate a section geared towards women as well to keep my trip to a 5 minute max.  You know, the staples- pinot grigio, Wheat Thins, Vitamin Water and tampons.  While we're at it, better throw in a frozen section for that new Ben & Jerry's Greek Frozen Yogurt, clearly that goes hand in hand with the tampons.

No, you cannot panhandle in public

Manhattan is full of panhandlers; if you've ever walked down Canal Street you can clearly vouch for this statement.  Usually though, the realistic fakes are hidden behind a door, down an alley, past the hanging chickens, up a dark stairwell- three knocks and a whistle later you'll find yourself a Pucci purse for a 1/4 of the real thing.  While walking through Herald Square last weekend my afternoon stroll was interrupted by a block worth of bag thieves and a gaggle of tourists aiding them in breaking the law.  Purses were sprawled out all over sheets on the side of 6th avenue; the unassuming travelers didn't stand a chance.  Who can pass up a counterfeit handbag that has been massaged with the scent of car emissions and splashed with the omnipresent trash juice of New York City?  A housewife from Iowa surely cannot.

No, you cannot take off your shoes

Unpleasant public places are especially unpleasant as you usually have no way to escape. One of the ultimate offenders is the airport security line.  While at LaGuardia preparing for an early trip to Chicago, a father and son stepped in front of my friend and I at security.  The normal events began to take place- laptop out of bag, belt off, shoes removed... and then it happened.  I'm not sure if the smell is even describable but it was surely coming from none other than the son's sweaty, socked feet on a 90 degree day.  Truly a test of will power not to stampede through and risk possible arrest, we had no choice but to wait behind him to pass through the metal detector. As I walked under the canopied machine, two TSA agents began to realize why we hadn't taken a breath in 3 minutes; one proceeded to spray down the conveyer belt with Lysol, hoping to save what was left of the people in line.  By the time I got to the other side, my friend realized that smelly feet had left his plane ticket in the bin; neither of us wanted to personally return it in fear of being that close to what was growing in his sneakers.  Either way, we found out his name is Rafael and his seat was at least 15 rows in front of ours.  No one likes a plane neighbor who removes their shoes to get comfy, as the poor guy sitting next to Rafael would soon learn.  I hear Odor-Eaters does wonders for this issue, as does wearing sandals in the height of summer.

No, you cannot fight like cats and dogs

Last summer I brought you a story about a Care Bear meandering down Broadway and offended said Care Bear, leading to a surplus of comments in which he claims that being a Furry is completely normal.  I still beg to differ with this notion.

Recently my friend happened to be sitting at her apartment window on Gay Street in Greenwich Village when a group of 'Fursuiters' appeared out of the blue.  Some 20+ cats and dogs came running down the alley making war for no apparent reason, then peacefully huddling once the winner had been decided.  This seems to be a growing trend that I just can't get behind; in case you're interested, though, it's easy to find a Furry meet-up in a town near you!

I can't make this stuff up.

No, you cannot go all-out commando

Down in the warm city of Ft. Lauderdale, FL women can be seen trotting around in next to nothing and calling it clothing just to survive possible heat stroke.  My best friend and her fiance unfortunately see one such woman far too often, one who bothers wearing nothing at all.  This woman, known as "Big Bertha", is apparently homeless and camps out on the regs on a public bench stationed outside this innocent Walgreens.   If the photo isn't enough, Bertha was arrested recently and "...charged with exposure of sexual organs in public and was initially held on a $100 bond, according to the South Florida Sun-Sentinel."  Bertha claims she was just changing her clothes which is why she happened to be found naked on the bus bench.  Poor attorney Steve Rossi, his advertisement on that bench is forever tainted with Bertha's body excretions; maybe he can have her kept in jail or, at the very least, comp her an orange jumpsuit.

No, you cannot be that desperate

It's a scorcher today in NYC; with temperatures hitting the triple digits people were doing anything to stay cool.  I solved this problem by drinking a glass of ice water on my way to work- others took it a little too far.  As I walked through Washington Square Park, squealing and splashing could undeniably be spotted in only one place- the central fountain.  Meant to be a place of observation, children, teenagers and adults alike were bathing in the midst of hundreds of on-lookers.  Hate to be the bearer of bad news, but pretty sure that water is reclaimed from NYU bathrooms or, if you're lucky, the Hudson.  A few tips if you must jump in: try not to slip, keep your mouth shut, and refrain if you're wearing a clingy cotton dress with no bra.  Just saying.

No, you cannot feel free to pee

Listen, I understand the curse of a bladder the size of a pea.  Many a road trip was interrupted growing up and I can now tell you where every Starbucks in the city is located. Some people unfortunately are not using this same tact and wait far too long to pull the trigger.  Case in point, check out this sign on the door of a convenience store.  I'm not sure which is worse, the numerous people who had to have done this which inspired the sign or the fact that the owners think the way to solve this problem is with the sign.  Anyone who is urinating on the building is clearly not making it to the door for further instruction, so technically they're preaching to the choir.  The double underlining really drives the point home here; hey, at least they said thank you.

No, you cannot give your baby an iPhone

A routine trip to Target is always necessary when I make it back home for a weekend; something about being 5 minutes away by car and not having to haul purchases home on foot make it much more appealing then their Brooklyn outpost.  While distracting my 18-month old niece in the toy aisle I came across a brightly-colored plaything called the Apptivity Case.  Made by Fisher Price in their 'Laugh & Learn' line, this novelty item for babies 6 months and up "...will protect your iPhone or iPod touch from dribbles, drool, and unwanted call-making. Busy beads and a mirror add baby-appropriate play. And free Laugh & Learn™ apps mean plenty of learning fun!"  Hang on a second folks.  Just because we adults walk around with our faces buried in technology doesn't mean your baby should know how to make a swipe gesture with their index finger by end of year one.  Don't let the textured handles and activity beads fool you, this is just a little insane.  Get your kid a stuffed animal for Pete's sake.