No, you cannot fight like cats and dogs

Last summer I brought you a story about a Care Bear meandering down Broadway and offended said Care Bear, leading to a surplus of comments in which he claims that being a Furry is completely normal.  I still beg to differ with this notion.

Recently my friend happened to be sitting at her apartment window on Gay Street in Greenwich Village when a group of 'Fursuiters' appeared out of the blue.  Some 20+ cats and dogs came running down the alley making war for no apparent reason, then peacefully huddling once the winner had been decided.  This seems to be a growing trend that I just can't get behind; in case you're interested, though, it's easy to find a Furry meet-up in a town near you!

I can't make this stuff up.

No, you cannot go all-out commando

Down in the warm city of Ft. Lauderdale, FL women can be seen trotting around in next to nothing and calling it clothing just to survive possible heat stroke.  My best friend and her fiance unfortunately see one such woman far too often, one who bothers wearing nothing at all.  This woman, known as "Big Bertha", is apparently homeless and camps out on the regs on a public bench stationed outside this innocent Walgreens.   If the photo isn't enough, Bertha was arrested recently and "...charged with exposure of sexual organs in public and was initially held on a $100 bond, according to the South Florida Sun-Sentinel."  Bertha claims she was just changing her clothes which is why she happened to be found naked on the bus bench.  Poor attorney Steve Rossi, his advertisement on that bench is forever tainted with Bertha's body excretions; maybe he can have her kept in jail or, at the very least, comp her an orange jumpsuit.

No, you cannot be that desperate

It's a scorcher today in NYC; with temperatures hitting the triple digits people were doing anything to stay cool.  I solved this problem by drinking a glass of ice water on my way to work- others took it a little too far.  As I walked through Washington Square Park, squealing and splashing could undeniably be spotted in only one place- the central fountain.  Meant to be a place of observation, children, teenagers and adults alike were bathing in the midst of hundreds of on-lookers.  Hate to be the bearer of bad news, but pretty sure that water is reclaimed from NYU bathrooms or, if you're lucky, the Hudson.  A few tips if you must jump in: try not to slip, keep your mouth shut, and refrain if you're wearing a clingy cotton dress with no bra.  Just saying.

No, you cannot feel free to pee

Listen, I understand the curse of a bladder the size of a pea.  Many a road trip was interrupted growing up and I can now tell you where every Starbucks in the city is located. Some people unfortunately are not using this same tact and wait far too long to pull the trigger.  Case in point, check out this sign on the door of a convenience store.  I'm not sure which is worse, the numerous people who had to have done this which inspired the sign or the fact that the owners think the way to solve this problem is with the sign.  Anyone who is urinating on the building is clearly not making it to the door for further instruction, so technically they're preaching to the choir.  The double underlining really drives the point home here; hey, at least they said thank you.

No, you cannot give your baby an iPhone

A routine trip to Target is always necessary when I make it back home for a weekend; something about being 5 minutes away by car and not having to haul purchases home on foot make it much more appealing then their Brooklyn outpost.  While distracting my 18-month old niece in the toy aisle I came across a brightly-colored plaything called the Apptivity Case.  Made by Fisher Price in their 'Laugh & Learn' line, this novelty item for babies 6 months and up "...will protect your iPhone or iPod touch from dribbles, drool, and unwanted call-making. Busy beads and a mirror add baby-appropriate play. And free Laugh & Learn™ apps mean plenty of learning fun!"  Hang on a second folks.  Just because we adults walk around with our faces buried in technology doesn't mean your baby should know how to make a swipe gesture with their index finger by end of year one.  Don't let the textured handles and activity beads fool you, this is just a little insane.  Get your kid a stuffed animal for Pete's sake.

No, you cannot ignore a dirty diaper

How many times have you seen a mother changing her child in an inappropriate public location?  I'm talking airplane seat cushion, park bench, movie theater...yes I've seen them all.  Sadly I passed by the ultimate offense recently- changing via New York City sidewalk.  Sure, the mother put down a blanket and even had the decency to also sit on the ground so the child didn't feel they were the only one contracting diseases at a rapid pace.  I'm going out on a limb here and assuming that there was a Starbucks nearby with a perfectly usable public bathroom, free changing table included.  Instead, she gave no less than 100 passerbys a reason to call her the worst mother of the year.  Congrats!

No, you cannot do party tricks in the park

72 and sunny describes this past Saturday in Manhattan perfectly.  Sundresses and popsicles abound, not a soul wasted the day. While at the river working on our base tans, my roommate pointed out an interesting side show nearby.  Looking up from my book, I found a Cirque du Soleil-esque performance being put on by two girls in yoga clothes.  This is usually behavior saved for a parent and child playing airplane, not grown women wondering how flexible they can prove to be in public.  Save it for pilates class, ladies; a broken neck would really put a damper on such a nice day.

No, you cannot creep me out

Mannequins creep me out.  Mannequins making facial expressions creep me out even more.  While walking down 14th street I passed by a wig store which displays its luxurious locks in the window atop multiple busts oddly placed on Grecian columns.  Whoever styled this window should find a new career choice; never mind the wigs themselves, look at the two figures on the left- absolutely terrifying.  Who is going to walk into this store with them as the greeting committee? Clearly only clientele of a place called 'Wigs and Plus'.  Clearly.

No, you cannot lick my cake

I distinctly remember as a 5th grader loving Cinnaburst gum.  Not only was it tasty but you could even chew the white paper wrapping flecked with tiny cinnamon flavor crystals; what 10 year old didn't want to do that?  Apparently a confection company in London wondered the same thing but then acted on it, leading to disaster.  The Senior Brand Manager at McVitie's thought it a marvelous portrayal of wit and intoxication of one's youth to line an office elevator with lickable wallpaper.  The paper portrays over 1,000 Jaffa Cakes, giving the 9-to-5 drone "a little joy"in their stressful day.  Descriptive phrases such as "crackly chocolate" and "orangey bits" are not helping their cause; co-workers can crawl on the floor or even stand on their tiptoes to reach the highest cakes.  Not to worry, my friends, the cakes are apparently "refreshed" so you don't pass cooties (or mono, but whatever you want to call it).  The only way this would work is if the cakes were legitimately refreshed every single time someone stepped foot in or out of that elevator.  No, on second thought that clearly would not work either.  Sorry McVitie's, stick to selling biscuits and you may not completely tarnish your name. And fire that Senior Brand Manager while you're at it.

This can't be real life

No, you cannot scold me in public

Whether dentist or dietitian, banker or balloon-animal artist, the annual review is an inescapable process in everyone's professional career.  As I found out this week, employees at fast food joints are not excused from this awkward meeting with their managers.  While enjoying a burrito bowl at Chipotle, I overheard an unreasonably loud conversation taking place between three employees.  The two managers were telling a 'crew member' (aka burrito roller) how he was doing on the job.  They criticized how he worked with other crew members, suggested greeting customers with more 'pizazz', and explained that the burritos needed to be rolled just a little tighter (fine, I made the last one up).  Either way, being reviewed in the middle of your workplace is not only embarrassing but must be against at least a few Department of Labor rules.  Do you think the balloon-animal artist would appreciate being told his monkeys should look less like dogs by the head clown in front of a birthday party of rambunctious five year-olds?  I don't think so.