No, you cannot lick my cake

I distinctly remember as a 5th grader loving Cinnaburst gum.  Not only was it tasty but you could even chew the white paper wrapping flecked with tiny cinnamon flavor crystals; what 10 year old didn't want to do that?  Apparently a confection company in London wondered the same thing but then acted on it, leading to disaster.  The Senior Brand Manager at McVitie's thought it a marvelous portrayal of wit and intoxication of one's youth to line an office elevator with lickable wallpaper.  The paper portrays over 1,000 Jaffa Cakes, giving the 9-to-5 drone "a little joy"in their stressful day.  Descriptive phrases such as "crackly chocolate" and "orangey bits" are not helping their cause; co-workers can crawl on the floor or even stand on their tiptoes to reach the highest cakes.  Not to worry, my friends, the cakes are apparently "refreshed" so you don't pass cooties (or mono, but whatever you want to call it).  The only way this would work is if the cakes were legitimately refreshed every single time someone stepped foot in or out of that elevator.  No, on second thought that clearly would not work either.  Sorry McVitie's, stick to selling biscuits and you may not completely tarnish your name. And fire that Senior Brand Manager while you're at it.

This can't be real life

No, you cannot scold me in public

Whether dentist or dietitian, banker or balloon-animal artist, the annual review is an inescapable process in everyone's professional career.  As I found out this week, employees at fast food joints are not excused from this awkward meeting with their managers.  While enjoying a burrito bowl at Chipotle, I overheard an unreasonably loud conversation taking place between three employees.  The two managers were telling a 'crew member' (aka burrito roller) how he was doing on the job.  They criticized how he worked with other crew members, suggested greeting customers with more 'pizazz', and explained that the burritos needed to be rolled just a little tighter (fine, I made the last one up).  Either way, being reviewed in the middle of your workplace is not only embarrassing but must be against at least a few Department of Labor rules.  Do you think the balloon-animal artist would appreciate being told his monkeys should look less like dogs by the head clown in front of a birthday party of rambunctious five year-olds?  I don't think so.

No, you cannot leave me hanging

Some things were created for pure convenience and practicality.  Bottled water, pencil holders, the Magic Bullet- not completely necessary but always save precious moments of your day.   If you own a purse, coat, or anything else that is meant to hang, you've also made fast friends with the ever-handy coat hook.  Sadly, I've found myself far too often in a restaurant bathroom or waiting for a drink at the bar with nowhere to suspend my tote or trench.  Worse though is when the missing hook has left evidence behind of once being present.  I ran into this very situation tonight while out to dinner with co-workers; a 3M Command strip firmly in place, hook MIA.  This should teach us three things:
   1) Don't bring personal items to the bathroom,
   2) 3M hooks are made to hold small picture frames, not winter coats, and
   3) Some girls need to reevaluate what they pack in their handbags.

No, you cannot tip me over and pour me out

The most interesting things can happen in 10 seconds at a stoplight in Manhattan.  Take for instance the episode I saw while traveling north on 6th Avenue the other day.  Two men were in the middle of a busy bike lane, next to an even busier 4 lane road, attempting to fix the front wheel of a baby stroller.  In the 10 seconds we loitered at the light, the stroller was tipped, dipped, swerved and brought to an angle that no child should experience until their first roller coaster ride at Six Flags.  I'm going to go ahead and assume there was not a child in the stroller; let's just hope they didn't forget him in the van.

No, you cannot tell me how to do my job

With the thermometer hitting 65 degrees and my toes not seeing the light of day for 5 months, it was high time for a pedicure.  My roommate and I were sitting at the nail dryers when we spotted this woman whip out her iPad across the salon.  She proceeded to play a video for the nail technician on how to give a pedicure... while she was getting a pedicure.  After more careful eavesdropping we deduced that the woman was actually pitching some newfangled machine that performs pedicures for you.  She then asked if the technicians thought the salon owner would be interested in learning more about her product- you know, the one that could replace their jobs.  This woman couldn't sell a T-bone steak to a pack of hungry dogs, forget about pedicure robots.  Someone should take her iPad away.

No, you cannot use off-brand font

Surely everyone has that person in the office that puts up unnecessary signage, littering the walls with promotions for a book club or the always unpopular group yoga in the conference room on Tuesdays at 7am.  A friend posted a similar scenario from her office yesterday, though this sign actually garnered a surly response from one colleague.  Maybe it’s because I work for a branding agency that I find this funnier than the average Joe but it is a fact that unless you are selling toys, making a flier for the circus, or running a lemonade stand, Comic Sans shall not be used.

No, you cannot make me work for free

As we all know, a leap year only comes along once every four years.  Poor children born on this day, no Facebook notification of birth, no free Starbucks coffee postcard, no 21st birthday party as 21 it is not a multiple of 4.  So sad.  Those who look at the glass half full would say this is a lucky day, an extra day of life to do something out of character.  After watching tonight's Modern Family, and the strange occurrences of my own leap day, I was enlightened by a good friend that this day also represents a day our payrolls decide to ignore.  Silly trick, really, but think about it!  You just worked 8 - 10 hours absolutely for free.  Too late to stick it to the man at this point, he already took your day.  Mark your calendar for 2016, looks like you're on vacation.

No, you cannot pick crops at the drugstore

The pharmacy mogul Walgreens would like to enhance your shopping experience in February by celebrating Black History Month.  At this location, looks like the store manager sent his 19-year old stock clerk out in front to place signage showing their support.  According to the Walgreens.com FAQ section, the average store is 14,500 sq feet and carries approximately 18,000 products.  Obviously said stock clerk decided to have some fun in the beauty aisle.

Obviously said stock clerk is no longer stocking...

No, you cannot plan a wedding in 60 days

Weddings are the ultimate event.  The amount of planning, people and politics that go into one is something that cannot be rushed.  Today Gilt City, the site which brings your city to your doorstep for half the price, offered quite the deal.  Picture it- 100 of your closest family and friends participating in the after party of your nuptials in the infamous Oak Room at The Plaza Hotel, equipped with cocktails, dancing, flowers and more- all for the low price of 55 grand.  Reading through the list of included swag, this is essentially a great deal for such a renowned New York location.  But then there's always the fine print:

• You must redeem the coupon by April 30, 2012
• March 2nd, March 31st, and April 20th are already taken
• The voucher does not include tax which will be charged separately by the vendor

These three limitations translate into the following:

• You better already be engaged because you only have 60 days to plan a wedding- good luck.
• You actually only have 8 dates, including this weekend, to choose from.  If you don't have a fiance just go find some guy at a bar because this is guaranteed to be the best party evvveeerrr.
• Your honeymoon will consist of a carriage ride around Central Park and a quick trip to Nathan's because NYC sales tax will cost you another $8,000.

Having a wedding at The Plaza would be many a girls dream, though somehow doing it through an online coupon takes away the sparkle just a tad. Seems more like they had a few open weekends to get rid of rather than truly wanting to host your special day.  I mean, how enthusiastic do you think that included wedding planner will be on no commission?

No, you cannot make my coffee fat

One of the steps to becoming a true New Yorker is taking your coffee black.  I've just about made it to that point, only adding a quick splash of milk to curb the edge.  Today I heard a commercial about a new flavor of International Delight coffee creamer in the form of Cold Stone Creamery Sweet Cream.  Upon further exploration, I found the rainbow of other cake-in-a-cup options including Cinnabon, Almond Joy, and Southern Butter Pecan.  I admit to having a sweet tooth but these flavors err on the side of absurd.  Black coffee has maybe 5 calories; adding any of these to your caffeine fix will throw in up to 7 times that plus all sorts of ingredients you can't pronounce.  Way to try to spin this one, International Delight; if I'm going to consume a bunch of crap any way it may as well taste good.  Bring on the waffle bowl and cookie dough crumble, please.