No, you cannot tip me over and pour me out

The most interesting things can happen in 10 seconds at a stoplight in Manhattan.  Take for instance the episode I saw while traveling north on 6th Avenue the other day.  Two men were in the middle of a busy bike lane, next to an even busier 4 lane road, attempting to fix the front wheel of a baby stroller.  In the 10 seconds we loitered at the light, the stroller was tipped, dipped, swerved and brought to an angle that no child should experience until their first roller coaster ride at Six Flags.  I'm going to go ahead and assume there was not a child in the stroller; let's just hope they didn't forget him in the van.

No, you cannot tell me how to do my job

With the thermometer hitting 65 degrees and my toes not seeing the light of day for 5 months, it was high time for a pedicure.  My roommate and I were sitting at the nail dryers when we spotted this woman whip out her iPad across the salon.  She proceeded to play a video for the nail technician on how to give a pedicure... while she was getting a pedicure.  After more careful eavesdropping we deduced that the woman was actually pitching some newfangled machine that performs pedicures for you.  She then asked if the technicians thought the salon owner would be interested in learning more about her product- you know, the one that could replace their jobs.  This woman couldn't sell a T-bone steak to a pack of hungry dogs, forget about pedicure robots.  Someone should take her iPad away.

No, you cannot use off-brand font

Surely everyone has that person in the office that puts up unnecessary signage, littering the walls with promotions for a book club or the always unpopular group yoga in the conference room on Tuesdays at 7am.  A friend posted a similar scenario from her office yesterday, though this sign actually garnered a surly response from one colleague.  Maybe it’s because I work for a branding agency that I find this funnier than the average Joe but it is a fact that unless you are selling toys, making a flier for the circus, or running a lemonade stand, Comic Sans shall not be used.

No, you cannot make me work for free

As we all know, a leap year only comes along once every four years.  Poor children born on this day, no Facebook notification of birth, no free Starbucks coffee postcard, no 21st birthday party as 21 it is not a multiple of 4.  So sad.  Those who look at the glass half full would say this is a lucky day, an extra day of life to do something out of character.  After watching tonight's Modern Family, and the strange occurrences of my own leap day, I was enlightened by a good friend that this day also represents a day our payrolls decide to ignore.  Silly trick, really, but think about it!  You just worked 8 - 10 hours absolutely for free.  Too late to stick it to the man at this point, he already took your day.  Mark your calendar for 2016, looks like you're on vacation.

No, you cannot pick crops at the drugstore

The pharmacy mogul Walgreens would like to enhance your shopping experience in February by celebrating Black History Month.  At this location, looks like the store manager sent his 19-year old stock clerk out in front to place signage showing their support.  According to the Walgreens.com FAQ section, the average store is 14,500 sq feet and carries approximately 18,000 products.  Obviously said stock clerk decided to have some fun in the beauty aisle.

Obviously said stock clerk is no longer stocking...

No, you cannot plan a wedding in 60 days

Weddings are the ultimate event.  The amount of planning, people and politics that go into one is something that cannot be rushed.  Today Gilt City, the site which brings your city to your doorstep for half the price, offered quite the deal.  Picture it- 100 of your closest family and friends participating in the after party of your nuptials in the infamous Oak Room at The Plaza Hotel, equipped with cocktails, dancing, flowers and more- all for the low price of 55 grand.  Reading through the list of included swag, this is essentially a great deal for such a renowned New York location.  But then there's always the fine print:

• You must redeem the coupon by April 30, 2012
• March 2nd, March 31st, and April 20th are already taken
• The voucher does not include tax which will be charged separately by the vendor

These three limitations translate into the following:

• You better already be engaged because you only have 60 days to plan a wedding- good luck.
• You actually only have 8 dates, including this weekend, to choose from.  If you don't have a fiance just go find some guy at a bar because this is guaranteed to be the best party evvveeerrr.
• Your honeymoon will consist of a carriage ride around Central Park and a quick trip to Nathan's because NYC sales tax will cost you another $8,000.

Having a wedding at The Plaza would be many a girls dream, though somehow doing it through an online coupon takes away the sparkle just a tad. Seems more like they had a few open weekends to get rid of rather than truly wanting to host your special day.  I mean, how enthusiastic do you think that included wedding planner will be on no commission?

No, you cannot make my coffee fat

One of the steps to becoming a true New Yorker is taking your coffee black.  I've just about made it to that point, only adding a quick splash of milk to curb the edge.  Today I heard a commercial about a new flavor of International Delight coffee creamer in the form of Cold Stone Creamery Sweet Cream.  Upon further exploration, I found the rainbow of other cake-in-a-cup options including Cinnabon, Almond Joy, and Southern Butter Pecan.  I admit to having a sweet tooth but these flavors err on the side of absurd.  Black coffee has maybe 5 calories; adding any of these to your caffeine fix will throw in up to 7 times that plus all sorts of ingredients you can't pronounce.  Way to try to spin this one, International Delight; if I'm going to consume a bunch of crap any way it may as well taste good.  Bring on the waffle bowl and cookie dough crumble, please.

No, you cannot include pointless buttons

You can run, you can hide, but you can't escape a summon for jury duty.  I opened my mailbox last week to this undesirable document and immediately started thinking of how to dodge my calling.  A co-worker who was recently dismissed from summons counseled me on how to postpone my jury service for a few months.  In order to do so the government website asks you to enter a cryptic code depicted on screen;  the page also offers the option to listen to the characters in the image.  I don't know if it's because I work in software development, or because I'm not moronic, but can someone explain why they would place a 'listening' button on a web page which requires the ability to see?  A person who needs the letters read aloud is most likely sight impaired which means they can't actually use the website as intended.  To top it off, when I ventured to click on the button...silence.  No sound came out!  I cannot be expected to serve as a contributing jury member if government web designers cannot anticipate the ridiculousness of a meaningless button.

No, you cannot promote foot fungus

Apparently there's a new movement where people are going out in public barefoot.  I'm sorry, I do not get this.  If you've ever taken a look at a sidewalk you'll find everything from broken glass to the remnants of a dog's morning walk waiting for you by the curb.  Although I don't think this is a normal occurrence, these deranged groups say it's completely safe.

While out recently I happened to catch a girl who seemed to be trying out this theory.  She decided that enduring the pain of her high heels was not worth the possible contraction of ringworm and abandoned her strappy sandals for the sticky bar floor.  This is simply unacceptable.  You do not know what bodily fluid or invisible remnant tracked in from the streets is waiting to attach itself to your permanent soles.  Pain is beauty, people; invest in some Dr. Scholl's and deal with it.

No, you cannot have a double name

I'm sitting on my couch about to start writing a post on the usual crazy thing witnessed this week when I am distracted by American Idol beaming in the background with the latest hopefuls of this season.  The last contestant of tonight's audition is a joyful boy from small town Georgia named Phillip Phillips, Jr.  It seems he understands that his name is completely absurd because he acknowledges this in his on-camera interview.  They cut to the pawn shop where he works for his dad whose name is obviously Phillip Phillips, Sr.  This got me thinking- why would you bestow the same ridiculous name on your son that your parents foolishly gave to you?  This chain could have easily been stopped as the father was the first Phillip Phillips in line.  Try saying it 5 times fast- you can't; he must have been a walking joke in elementary school, poor kid.  Nonetheless, he seems like a sweet guy who can actually sing.  Hopefully they'll let Steven Tyler come up with his new stage name by the time they get to Hollywood.