No, you cannot: A Look Back at 2011

Back in May 2011 a love of writing and loathe of insanity inspired 'No, you cannot' to come to life.  Thanks to my loyal readers and friends who were forced to review every post, the blog has been visited almost 3,000 times and counting!  To start off the New Year let us take a stroll down memory lane to visit the top 3 posts of 2011:

Your #3 Post is: "No, you cannot display your full moon in public"

I saw a lot of interesting things happen this summer but
one of the highlights includes being accidentally mooned
by an unsuspecting girl outside of a busy Lower East Side
bar.  I'm hoping all of my female readers learned something
from this inopportune situation. 






Coming in at #2: "No, you cannot match your doll"

It seems that a lot of craziness can be found in the midst of public
transportation, hence why stories from planes, trains and subways
make up a good portion of the posts in 2011.  Leaving his fashion
sense at home that day, this man was no exception as he shamelessly sported an outfit which drew far too close a resemblance to the
doll he happened to be carrying.  I know, I'm still baffled too.







And the #1 Most Read Post of 2011: "No, you cannot casually sport a fur costume"

Due to a bit of delayed controversy, TenderHeart strolling
down Broadway has won the title of most read post of
2011!  With around 50 views to the story originally written
in May, the views grew to over 200 thanks to multiple
comments made by the alleged Care Bear himself.
Just scroll down to the comment area, it's pretty entertaining.



Thank you to all who have visited the past few months!  Never short on material, expect to see even more stories about people a few crayons short of box set this coming year.  Keep sending in what irks you and the unhinged moments of everyday life- I'm happy to share your "no ponies on the train" moments with others.  Then at least everyone can be warned of what irrational decisions people are actually capable of making and avoid, avoid, avoid.  Until next time!

No, you cannot overpack for the holidays

Merry Christmas to all my loyal followers! I'm assuming if you're reading this family time has gotten the best of you and cabin fever is threatening to kick in, the only answer being a quick anecdote to bring you back to everyday normality as crazy as that may be.  A few days ago as thousands of people excitedly left their homes for a long vaca and even longer journey to get there, I too made my way to JFK where a flight to Florida awaited me.  As I walked through the JetBlue terminal a couple of people rushed by me; first to pass was a man hauling a luggage carrier with at least 8 - 10 bags atop, making what should have been a quick run into more of a slow jog.  On his heels was a woman pulling behind her another luggage while carrying two duffel bags and yelling 'Excuse me!' down the entire corridor.  It took me a second to realize that the 'luggage' she was hauling actually carried very precious cargo- their 2-year old son who bounced happily along in what was really a booster seat, none the wiser to what all the rushing was for. 

A few minutes later I stood in the baggage line when I noticed this ill-fated family at the self check-in kiosk.  The dad was feverishly entering their boarding information while the mom coerced the luggage carrier into the line behind me.  I watched to see if they could actually pull it off, preparing to let them go ahead of me if it all worked out.  Unfortunately just as the kiosk printed the tickets the luggage carrier finally won the battle, causing an avalanche that took out the entire maze of ropes and almost their first born.  This is a classic holiday scene at the airport but luckily they made it through security in time, little boy in tow who was more than likely wondering why he can't bring his parents anywhere.

No, you cannot jibber jabber

Going to the movies is all about the experience- the popcorn, the cushy seats, the big screen.  I went to see 'My Week With Marilyn' tonight (which I highly recommend, btw), arriving a little early to get a good spot.  As I started in on my bucket of buttery goodness, the pre-previews were interrupted by two chatterboxes across the aisle.  I looked over to find an elderly woman barking orders loudly at who I assume was her son; it's one thing if people are too noisy in a place that is clearly meant for 'inside voices' (i.e. libraries, churches, theaters), but it's a whole other problem if this issue can be avoided by making obvious choices.  In this case, the obvious choice would be to sit in the same row as your movie-going partner; how else do you whisper your opinions during the film or ask for another jujube?  It's not that hard to get this one right, either sit together and whisper away or keep your face stuffed with popcorn to avoid being those people.

No, you cannot shed on my Mac

Apple opened their largest retail space yet in Grand Central Station this past Friday, bringing out every Macthusiast from the tri-state area and beyond.  Along with those techy nerds and product lovers came their equally eager pets, decked to the nines for the occasion.   My co-workers spotted this lovable pooch hanging out in the MacBook Air section; nothing like a few stray fur balls caught in the keyboard of my brand new $1,000+ machine.  Poor guy, probably thought he was on his way to audition for position of Grand Marshall in the Christmas Day parade and only ended up semi-impressing a few commuters who thought the MTA made a short cut to the 5 train through the main hall.  If it makes him feel any better, at least his owner didn't dress him like this...

No, you cannot force me to eat with a reptile

These days more public places are allowing owners to bring their pets inside for a visit.  Most of the time you see cute puppies and a kitten or two, usually on leashes or in pet-safe carriers.  Though this is the case, the world wouldn't be complete without some crazies that take it to a whole other level.   A friend sent me a photo today of a woman who brought her boa constrictor to lunch.  There really is no excuse for this; I'm pretty sure you can leave a snake at home- in a cage, where it can't escape and eat small children and squirrels- without it feeling all too lonely.  What do you do with the reptile when you're parking the car, ordering, or even have to make a quick run to the bathroom?  The description I found on this specimen includes, "they first strike at the prey, grabbing it with its teeth, then proceeds to constrict the prey until death before consuming it whole."  If you don't mind, I'd like to just eat my sandwich please.

No, you cannot be that PC

Everyone grew up with Crayola- markers, colored pencils, kid-friendly paint and the ever popular crayons.  I remember getting the special case that held up to 250 crayons at a time (yeah, I was that kid- winning coloring contests and taking names).  At some point, the company decided that good ole' ink and wax just weren't cutting it and started making more interactive toys, which I personally feel cause kids to be less imaginative.

To fuel this fire, in 1992 a new line of Multicultural products were released.  The company's website describes these as "an assortment of ethnic-sensitive color palettes."  I'm sorry, when did 6-year old's become so aware of being politically correct that creating an entirely separate box was necessary?  I don't recall ever being presented with this set of shades as a child and I colored just fine, it taught me how to mix to get the result I wanted.  My only options were Apricot, Peach, and Tan-  this line offers the aforementioned colors along with Burnt Sienna, Mahogany, Sepia, and Black and White for blending.  To top it off, these same colors are all included in the 64-pack. Now you've got the poor kid trudging around their 250-pack plus the PC 8 crayons which obviously is the only way to color in your character without getting judged by your friends.  Oh wait, your friends are probably too busy picking their noses or playing with the next best thing.  Pass the Razzmatazz, please.

No, you cannot break the pool rules

Growing up in Florida you spend a lot of time at the pool.  The advantages of this, as most good things in life, come with a few choice rules.  Don't run on the pool deck, don't bring glass containers in the pool area, no diving in the shallow end- pretty standard across the board.  A friend was at a Ft. Lauderdale pool when she spotted the regular signage, though this one had some extras that need not be said aloud.  Read down the list- you decide which is the most disturbing; I'll go ahead and give you my opinion:

1) The maximum water temperature of the pool at 104 degrees Fahrenheit also happens to be the regulation maximum temperature for a hot tub- these things are not used for the the same recreational purpose, therefore they should not be the same temperature.

2) If you are having unpredictable bowel movements, you should not be any where near a body of water.  No floaters, please.

3) Shouldn't they warn you that the water is recirculated prior to the whole feces situation?

It never ceases to amaze me what people will do in public; obviously there is a reason they had to update this sign with unconventional criteria in the first place (exact address of pool to come- Floridians and tourists alike, enter at your own risk).

**UPDATE**

Received a tip-off from an angel of a friend in SoFlo. Pool is located at Bahia Cabana - 3001 Harbor Drive (A1A), Ft Lauderdale, FL 33316.  SB 2012 anyone?

No, you cannot count my calories

There's something about going to a restaurant and ordering things that are clearly not good for you, yet somehow this reality doesn't exist in the moment you choose the onion ring appetizer or three-cheese enchiladas topped with cream sauce.  I employed this way of thinking when meeting a friend for breakfast at the new IHOP located on 14th street in Manhattan.  Unfortunately, the New York City Department of Health decided in 2008 to force food establishments with 15 or more locations nationwide to display all calorie information prominently in menus.  This would not be an issue if IHOP offered anything- besides a glass of orange juice and half of a grapefruit- for under 1,800 calories.  Country omelette- 1,100 calories; Breakfast sampler- 1,450; White chocolate chip mint holiday pancakes- don't even go there.

At some point my eyes meander to the bottom of the page where a disclaimer which could save one from a low-grade heart attack states, "The USDA recommends that adults limit caloric intake to 2,000 calories per day... stated nutritional values are approximate; values obtained by laboratory testing may be different."  Though I'd love to only have a Belgian waffle and half of a scrambled egg count as my day's worth of food, the silver dollar pancakes on the kids menu somehow seemed much more appealing.

No, you cannot fill your own cavity

Fixing a leaky faucet, changing your car's oil, haircuts- some things are better left to a professional.  Case in point, my co-worker told me she was in the toothpaste aisle at Walgreen's when she came across a product that is blatantly inappropriate to offer consumers.  There next to the dental floss and canker sore medication was Dentemp One Step, for repairing lost fillings and loose caps.  Not only does this company enable people to perform their own dental work for the low price of $5.99, but makes them believe this is actually a good idea with quotes like "Recommended by Dentists" and "You can eat on it!" sprawled across the packaging.  Directions include "remove as much of the old cement from the crown as possible"; I can just imagine someone laboring over their bathroom sink wondering why they didn't go to dental school- they're basically a pro!  Fast forward a few days when that pro work ends in a massive toothache and gaping hole in your mouth; guess the 8+ repair promise left a lot to be desired.

No, you cannot check my carry-on

I've learned for my wallet's sake, and overall sanity, to pack lightly to avoid checking luggage on short trips.  For a recent flight I strategically chose a seat near the cabin door in order to quickly escape back to my apartment and get ready for the week ahead.  Note to self: when closest to the exit you are last to board.  As the plane filled with noisy passengers, I saw one last spot in the overhead compartment that should fit my suitcase just right.  As I attempted to stuff it in the shrunken space, I was dutifully notified by my neighbor that it wouldn't fit due to the plane's life boats located in the same small area.  In a failed attempt to keep my luggage in the cabin, I walked halfway down the aisle looking for an open spot, creating quite the pile up and gaining zero new friends. 

Fast forward to Baggage Claim 2 where I was sent to wait with the tourists ready to pick up their recently-purchased, unnecessary amounts of Disney-themed paraphernalia.  The only thing worse than the flight attendant prying the luggage from me was hearing the shrill sound of the bell which notifies passengers of luggage arrival.  A few renegade strollers and a strangely shaped instrument later, my suitcase came around on the carousel begging to go home.  I understand the need for the life boats on board but I suggest a less crowded place to store them, like in first class and/or the cockpit.