No, you cannot jibber jabber

Going to the movies is all about the experience- the popcorn, the cushy seats, the big screen.  I went to see 'My Week With Marilyn' tonight (which I highly recommend, btw), arriving a little early to get a good spot.  As I started in on my bucket of buttery goodness, the pre-previews were interrupted by two chatterboxes across the aisle.  I looked over to find an elderly woman barking orders loudly at who I assume was her son; it's one thing if people are too noisy in a place that is clearly meant for 'inside voices' (i.e. libraries, churches, theaters), but it's a whole other problem if this issue can be avoided by making obvious choices.  In this case, the obvious choice would be to sit in the same row as your movie-going partner; how else do you whisper your opinions during the film or ask for another jujube?  It's not that hard to get this one right, either sit together and whisper away or keep your face stuffed with popcorn to avoid being those people.

No, you cannot shed on my Mac

Apple opened their largest retail space yet in Grand Central Station this past Friday, bringing out every Macthusiast from the tri-state area and beyond.  Along with those techy nerds and product lovers came their equally eager pets, decked to the nines for the occasion.   My co-workers spotted this lovable pooch hanging out in the MacBook Air section; nothing like a few stray fur balls caught in the keyboard of my brand new $1,000+ machine.  Poor guy, probably thought he was on his way to audition for position of Grand Marshall in the Christmas Day parade and only ended up semi-impressing a few commuters who thought the MTA made a short cut to the 5 train through the main hall.  If it makes him feel any better, at least his owner didn't dress him like this...

No, you cannot force me to eat with a reptile

These days more public places are allowing owners to bring their pets inside for a visit.  Most of the time you see cute puppies and a kitten or two, usually on leashes or in pet-safe carriers.  Though this is the case, the world wouldn't be complete without some crazies that take it to a whole other level.   A friend sent me a photo today of a woman who brought her boa constrictor to lunch.  There really is no excuse for this; I'm pretty sure you can leave a snake at home- in a cage, where it can't escape and eat small children and squirrels- without it feeling all too lonely.  What do you do with the reptile when you're parking the car, ordering, or even have to make a quick run to the bathroom?  The description I found on this specimen includes, "they first strike at the prey, grabbing it with its teeth, then proceeds to constrict the prey until death before consuming it whole."  If you don't mind, I'd like to just eat my sandwich please.

No, you cannot be that PC

Everyone grew up with Crayola- markers, colored pencils, kid-friendly paint and the ever popular crayons.  I remember getting the special case that held up to 250 crayons at a time (yeah, I was that kid- winning coloring contests and taking names).  At some point, the company decided that good ole' ink and wax just weren't cutting it and started making more interactive toys, which I personally feel cause kids to be less imaginative.

To fuel this fire, in 1992 a new line of Multicultural products were released.  The company's website describes these as "an assortment of ethnic-sensitive color palettes."  I'm sorry, when did 6-year old's become so aware of being politically correct that creating an entirely separate box was necessary?  I don't recall ever being presented with this set of shades as a child and I colored just fine, it taught me how to mix to get the result I wanted.  My only options were Apricot, Peach, and Tan-  this line offers the aforementioned colors along with Burnt Sienna, Mahogany, Sepia, and Black and White for blending.  To top it off, these same colors are all included in the 64-pack. Now you've got the poor kid trudging around their 250-pack plus the PC 8 crayons which obviously is the only way to color in your character without getting judged by your friends.  Oh wait, your friends are probably too busy picking their noses or playing with the next best thing.  Pass the Razzmatazz, please.

No, you cannot break the pool rules

Growing up in Florida you spend a lot of time at the pool.  The advantages of this, as most good things in life, come with a few choice rules.  Don't run on the pool deck, don't bring glass containers in the pool area, no diving in the shallow end- pretty standard across the board.  A friend was at a Ft. Lauderdale pool when she spotted the regular signage, though this one had some extras that need not be said aloud.  Read down the list- you decide which is the most disturbing; I'll go ahead and give you my opinion:

1) The maximum water temperature of the pool at 104 degrees Fahrenheit also happens to be the regulation maximum temperature for a hot tub- these things are not used for the the same recreational purpose, therefore they should not be the same temperature.

2) If you are having unpredictable bowel movements, you should not be any where near a body of water.  No floaters, please.

3) Shouldn't they warn you that the water is recirculated prior to the whole feces situation?

It never ceases to amaze me what people will do in public; obviously there is a reason they had to update this sign with unconventional criteria in the first place (exact address of pool to come- Floridians and tourists alike, enter at your own risk).

**UPDATE**

Received a tip-off from an angel of a friend in SoFlo. Pool is located at Bahia Cabana - 3001 Harbor Drive (A1A), Ft Lauderdale, FL 33316.  SB 2012 anyone?

No, you cannot count my calories

There's something about going to a restaurant and ordering things that are clearly not good for you, yet somehow this reality doesn't exist in the moment you choose the onion ring appetizer or three-cheese enchiladas topped with cream sauce.  I employed this way of thinking when meeting a friend for breakfast at the new IHOP located on 14th street in Manhattan.  Unfortunately, the New York City Department of Health decided in 2008 to force food establishments with 15 or more locations nationwide to display all calorie information prominently in menus.  This would not be an issue if IHOP offered anything- besides a glass of orange juice and half of a grapefruit- for under 1,800 calories.  Country omelette- 1,100 calories; Breakfast sampler- 1,450; White chocolate chip mint holiday pancakes- don't even go there.

At some point my eyes meander to the bottom of the page where a disclaimer which could save one from a low-grade heart attack states, "The USDA recommends that adults limit caloric intake to 2,000 calories per day... stated nutritional values are approximate; values obtained by laboratory testing may be different."  Though I'd love to only have a Belgian waffle and half of a scrambled egg count as my day's worth of food, the silver dollar pancakes on the kids menu somehow seemed much more appealing.

No, you cannot fill your own cavity

Fixing a leaky faucet, changing your car's oil, haircuts- some things are better left to a professional.  Case in point, my co-worker told me she was in the toothpaste aisle at Walgreen's when she came across a product that is blatantly inappropriate to offer consumers.  There next to the dental floss and canker sore medication was Dentemp One Step, for repairing lost fillings and loose caps.  Not only does this company enable people to perform their own dental work for the low price of $5.99, but makes them believe this is actually a good idea with quotes like "Recommended by Dentists" and "You can eat on it!" sprawled across the packaging.  Directions include "remove as much of the old cement from the crown as possible"; I can just imagine someone laboring over their bathroom sink wondering why they didn't go to dental school- they're basically a pro!  Fast forward a few days when that pro work ends in a massive toothache and gaping hole in your mouth; guess the 8+ repair promise left a lot to be desired.

No, you cannot check my carry-on

I've learned for my wallet's sake, and overall sanity, to pack lightly to avoid checking luggage on short trips.  For a recent flight I strategically chose a seat near the cabin door in order to quickly escape back to my apartment and get ready for the week ahead.  Note to self: when closest to the exit you are last to board.  As the plane filled with noisy passengers, I saw one last spot in the overhead compartment that should fit my suitcase just right.  As I attempted to stuff it in the shrunken space, I was dutifully notified by my neighbor that it wouldn't fit due to the plane's life boats located in the same small area.  In a failed attempt to keep my luggage in the cabin, I walked halfway down the aisle looking for an open spot, creating quite the pile up and gaining zero new friends. 

Fast forward to Baggage Claim 2 where I was sent to wait with the tourists ready to pick up their recently-purchased, unnecessary amounts of Disney-themed paraphernalia.  The only thing worse than the flight attendant prying the luggage from me was hearing the shrill sound of the bell which notifies passengers of luggage arrival.  A few renegade strollers and a strangely shaped instrument later, my suitcase came around on the carousel begging to go home.  I understand the need for the life boats on board but I suggest a less crowded place to store them, like in first class and/or the cockpit.

No, you cannot produce snow in October

Snowtober, Snowpocalypse, Snowlaween- no matter what nickname was used, it was completely unnecessary.  The weather man warned that a random nor'easter storm would blow through the Saturday before Halloween.  I had yet to see one leaf fall (note the green foliage) and barely broken out my autumn wardrobe, it surely was not time for gloves.  Nonetheless, the rain froze on its way down and the wind was beyond cold; this was obviously Mother Nature's cruel joke on all girls who decided to dress up as a sexy cop, sexy nurse, or other form of generic costume in which you can place the adjective 'sexy' in front of.  So please keep your snow until at least December, I cannot be expected to enjoy a good pumpkin ale in 3 layers of clothing- it's just not natural.

No, you cannot make the street dirtier than it already is

If you live in Manhattan you can tell the difference between a city bus, delivery truck, and a taxi cab just by the very distinct and ostentatiously loud noises they make.  Every Tuesday and Thursday on my walk to work I am greeted by the New York Department of Sanitation's beloved street sweeper, a monster truck that comes trudging down the streets and avenues of the city, weaving in and out of cars who decided not to follow the alternate-side parking codes that day.  One would assume that this vehicle is used to clean the mean streets, leaving a shiny finish for pedestrians to stride upon.  Unfortunately, assuming that would be incorrect because this truck does nothing but slosh around the trash and grime pitted near the curbs.  Not only that, whatever 'cleaning fluid' comes out of the super-sized scrubbing brushes positioned below does not look at all sanitary.  Anytime I hear the roar of the engine approaching, I shimmy up against the closest building as the brushes spew out the fluid infusing with trash juice and debris, which in turn splash on to the sidewalk in attempt to soil my cute fall boots.  Once it finally rides by, the aforementioned liquid now gives the street an aroma of fresh garbage peppered with 5 dogs walked in that very spot that morning and lo mein left for the mice the night before. I didn't think it was possible but I'm pretty sure the street sweeper is actually making the street more soiled; how about we suspend service for a while so I can save my tax dollars and walk to work in undisturbed filth?