No, you cannot include pointless buttons

You can run, you can hide, but you can't escape a summon for jury duty.  I opened my mailbox last week to this undesirable document and immediately started thinking of how to dodge my calling.  A co-worker who was recently dismissed from summons counseled me on how to postpone my jury service for a few months.  In order to do so the government website asks you to enter a cryptic code depicted on screen;  the page also offers the option to listen to the characters in the image.  I don't know if it's because I work in software development, or because I'm not moronic, but can someone explain why they would place a 'listening' button on a web page which requires the ability to see?  A person who needs the letters read aloud is most likely sight impaired which means they can't actually use the website as intended.  To top it off, when I ventured to click on the button...silence.  No sound came out!  I cannot be expected to serve as a contributing jury member if government web designers cannot anticipate the ridiculousness of a meaningless button.

No, you cannot promote foot fungus

Apparently there's a new movement where people are going out in public barefoot.  I'm sorry, I do not get this.  If you've ever taken a look at a sidewalk you'll find everything from broken glass to the remnants of a dog's morning walk waiting for you by the curb.  Although I don't think this is a normal occurrence, these deranged groups say it's completely safe.

While out recently I happened to catch a girl who seemed to be trying out this theory.  She decided that enduring the pain of her high heels was not worth the possible contraction of ringworm and abandoned her strappy sandals for the sticky bar floor.  This is simply unacceptable.  You do not know what bodily fluid or invisible remnant tracked in from the streets is waiting to attach itself to your permanent soles.  Pain is beauty, people; invest in some Dr. Scholl's and deal with it.

No, you cannot have a double name

I'm sitting on my couch about to start writing a post on the usual crazy thing witnessed this week when I am distracted by American Idol beaming in the background with the latest hopefuls of this season.  The last contestant of tonight's audition is a joyful boy from small town Georgia named Phillip Phillips, Jr.  It seems he understands that his name is completely absurd because he acknowledges this in his on-camera interview.  They cut to the pawn shop where he works for his dad whose name is obviously Phillip Phillips, Sr.  This got me thinking- why would you bestow the same ridiculous name on your son that your parents foolishly gave to you?  This chain could have easily been stopped as the father was the first Phillip Phillips in line.  Try saying it 5 times fast- you can't; he must have been a walking joke in elementary school, poor kid.  Nonetheless, he seems like a sweet guy who can actually sing.  Hopefully they'll let Steven Tyler come up with his new stage name by the time they get to Hollywood.

No, you cannot only provide terrible options

I'm not above Hair Cuttery.  The stylists are licensed professionals who had to practice on the same types of locks as a high-end salon owner in order to get near my head.  Some places, though, cannot rest on these laurels as it is questionable where said licenses were earned or who is providing the overall creative direction.  Take for instance a barber shop I passed recently which boasted a few of their top sellers on a sign out on the sidewalk.  Let's take a minute to analyze each option, shall we?  The two on the top, though awful, are at least dismissible as a momentary lapse in judgment.  The bottom two are just beyond; the captions should read "If you want to look like a rapist, early 90's C-list white rapper, or generally like to spend time alone, PICK ME!"  There is no way any sane person would look in the mirror after their mane was completely massacred into this shape and convince themselves that things are looking up.  At least I know which stylists to blame when I see a mess of this caliber roaming the city- here's looking at you Barber Shop on MacDougal and West 8th Street.

No, you cannot leave your stuff lying around

I'll admit it, I'm kind of a neat freak.  If there are crumbs on the counter, a stack of papers misaligned, or smudge on the mirror I can't help but wipe, straighten and Windex until order is restored.  Fine, I'm borderline OCD; it is what it is.  I can cope with leaving a pile or two around the house just because time has not allowed for things to go in their rightful place, though this disregard for organization can only last so long.  Take for instance the NYPD who tend to leave large items around town after a public event to be picked up by the clean-up crew.  On my walk to work everyday I pass a pile of metal barricades on the corner of 18th St. and 6th Ave.  I rarely notice them as they are not in the middle of the sidewalk nor necessarily bothering anyone, but it came to my attention recently that these structures have been living as orphans since the Halloween Parade.  Yes, the Halloween Parade which occurred the night of October 31st where this corner served as the end of the line for floats and followers.  At the time there were hundreds of barricades up and down 6th Avenue but these lone soldiers got left out in the cold, literally.  Not saying that NYPD doesn't have more important things to do, but I'd assume the inventory round-up for 2011 was off by a few items and I'd like to inform the city that I've found them.  Plus, the 2012 budgets are probably being finalized as I type this and I would prefer my city tax dollars be spent in a more useful way than replacing stray equipment.  On the bright side, at least they're stacked nicely.

No, you cannot dress your pet against their will

I don't personally own a pet, but if I did, I could possibly be one of those people who dress them in adorable outfits and semi-necessary accessories.  That being said, if the aforementioned pet squirms, walks funny, or looks beyond miserable in the outfit, it may be a good idea to let them go commando.  Case in point, my friend was walking past a window in the West Village when she noticed quite the duo staring out onto the sidewalk.  The scorn being cast at every passerby could actually be interpreted as a cry for help.  Funny enough, when I saw the photo I knew exactly which block she was on.  Think back- No Ponies, June 2011, Gay Pride- yes!  The same cat I saw all dolled up in a rainbow-colored jester collar six months ago was now sporting a sweater along with her nobby-haired friend.  When will this deranged owner realize that he is soon to find himself with no cats if he doesn't just let them be?  If one more feline shows up in that window, and happens to be wearing sequins, I'm calling the ASPCA.

Fancy Feast cat (still miserable) & friend

Looked a little less gloomy in the summer

No, you cannot: A Look Back at 2011

Back in May 2011 a love of writing and loathe of insanity inspired 'No, you cannot' to come to life.  Thanks to my loyal readers and friends who were forced to review every post, the blog has been visited almost 3,000 times and counting!  To start off the New Year let us take a stroll down memory lane to visit the top 3 posts of 2011:

Your #3 Post is: "No, you cannot display your full moon in public"

I saw a lot of interesting things happen this summer but
one of the highlights includes being accidentally mooned
by an unsuspecting girl outside of a busy Lower East Side
bar.  I'm hoping all of my female readers learned something
from this inopportune situation. 






Coming in at #2: "No, you cannot match your doll"

It seems that a lot of craziness can be found in the midst of public
transportation, hence why stories from planes, trains and subways
make up a good portion of the posts in 2011.  Leaving his fashion
sense at home that day, this man was no exception as he shamelessly sported an outfit which drew far too close a resemblance to the
doll he happened to be carrying.  I know, I'm still baffled too.







And the #1 Most Read Post of 2011: "No, you cannot casually sport a fur costume"

Due to a bit of delayed controversy, TenderHeart strolling
down Broadway has won the title of most read post of
2011!  With around 50 views to the story originally written
in May, the views grew to over 200 thanks to multiple
comments made by the alleged Care Bear himself.
Just scroll down to the comment area, it's pretty entertaining.



Thank you to all who have visited the past few months!  Never short on material, expect to see even more stories about people a few crayons short of box set this coming year.  Keep sending in what irks you and the unhinged moments of everyday life- I'm happy to share your "no ponies on the train" moments with others.  Then at least everyone can be warned of what irrational decisions people are actually capable of making and avoid, avoid, avoid.  Until next time!