No, you cannot: A Look Back at 2012

Another year gone, more insanity to spread.  One would think it would be difficult to keep up a blog for two consecutive years on the same topic, but alas, I'm never void of ridiculous material to share with my readers.  Memory lane is calling our names; let's revisit the top stories of 2012, shall we?

Voted Most Popular story #3 is: "No, you cannot scold me in public"

A trip to Toronto proved that managers in all countries tend to be an easy subject of scorn.  After blasting these two managers on No Ponies and Twitter, Chipotle actually wrote back with an apology and promise to speak to the managers about their behavior.  1- No Ponies, 0- hat visors in the workplace.

We have a tie at #2 ladies and gentleman!

Keeping things PC is the infamous: "No, you cannot pick crops at the drugstore"

Back in February, Walgreens showed its support for Black History Month as well as proof of why someone lost their job that day.

Rounding off the summer heat wave is: "No, you cannot be that desperate"

This summer I easily proved that long periods of extreme heat entice people to lose their ability to make rational life decisions.  Case in point, photo to the left.

 And your most read Pony post of 2012 is: "No, you cannot use off-brand font"

Co-workers are a breeding pool for blog material.  These are people you are forced to see day in and day out who you never got a say in screening in the first place.  Some are over-sharers, closet hoarders, or somehow skirting by while brown-nosing all the way to the top.  Others, unfortunately, just don't know how to use Times New Roman.








Thank you again for making No Ponies a regular in daily distractions from your actual priorities; wishing you a great start to 2013 and much, much more irony to come!  Until next time...neigh.

No, you cannot pull a rabbit out of a subway car

Far beneath the city that never sleeps lies another world filled with entertainment beyond belief.  The free acts found on the New York City subway system could literally keep one occupied with song and dance for hours on end.  From the standard guitar player and gutsy break dancer to the bizarre 6-piece mariachi band or exotic Chinese erhu; these "artists" tend to enter a train car unnoticed then all of the sudden start to peddle their wares for the merriment, and hopefully pocket change, of weary travelers.  I thought I had seen it all until my friend sent along photos of a full blown magic act happening on the 6 train during her morning commute.  We're not talking pulling quarters out of a stranger's ear or a never-ending line of colorful scarves- oh no, that's all too mundane for Manhattanites!  Let's pull out the big guns, shall we?  The real bucks are made when there are live animals involved, in this case the infamous white rabbit.  Poor rabbit, had no idea what he was getting himself into when staring at this guy with big brown eyes from behind the glass at the local Petsmart. The subway holds a tough crowd, at least now the rabbit has a better chance to make it on Broadway after all of this practice.

No, you cannot stick me there

Growing up I distinctly remember my mom sporting 'My Child is an Honor Roll Student!' and 'Dance Mom' proudly on her car bumper; I also recall being slightly embarrassed by this but feeling some consolation in the fact that every other minivan boasted the same excessive signs.  As bumper stickers became a thing of the past, more ridiculous decals were unveiled that went above and beyond TMI.  Gone were the days one could only gloat about their child's stellar swimming status or brag that this was their 6th (yes 6th!) consecutive year at band camp.  Oh no, the entire family (dogs, cats and fish included) now gets recognition.  Does your husband golf?  We've got him with a 9 iron!  Two daughters in ballet, one on the chess team, son in soccer and baby on the way?  Get the basic family accessories package and detachable baby bump for easy updating after nine months fly by!

Seriously?  Pretty soon this person won't be able to see out the back window; an obstruction of view ticket is rapidly approaching with each car line drop off.

No, you cannot be that lost

With 10 stories, 7 restaurants and an entire city block under its foundation, the Macy’s of Herald Square in New York city proudly boasts the name “America’s Largest Department Store”.   As the holidays quickly approach, hoards of visitors from around the world come to see the spectacle that is home to the Thanksgiving Day Parade and Miracle on 34th Street.  As you can imagine, these  wide-eyed and bushy-tailed voyagers have no clue where they’re going. 

Cue the clever yet unnecessary app! 

Macy’s has unveiled an indoor GPS iPhone app that gives turn-by-turn directions to guide the eager shopper through perfume counters, clothing racks and shoe departments alike.  Listen, I’m in the technology field and think this is actually a creative use of the GPS feature but let’s re-evaluate the repercussions of this.  Now instead of trudging through the chaos with semi-alert tourists, you will be dealing with a bunch of head-down autobots attempting to get to Aunt Annie’s on the 4th floor while never once looking up.  To make sure this has a creepy factor, they will also be able to track your every movement around the store and bombard you with ads of things you clearly don’t need nearby.  Very clever retail trick, Macy’s; fortunately I only get into the store about once a year and now with your handy app I’ll be in and out to use your public restroom in a flash.

No, you cannot grind my teeth for me

Cereal, the breakfast of champions.  I try to steer clear of the sugary types though something sweet every now and then won't kill anyone... or so I thought.  When getting ready one morning the Today Show had a quick piece on a Kellogg's recall of Frosted Mini-Wheats cereal; my ears perked up as I was three-quarters of the way through the box sitting in my kitchen.  Apparently 2.8 million boxes of the bite-sized goodies were being recalled due to, "... the possible presence of fragments of flexible metal mesh from a faulty manufacturing part."  Oh, I'm sorry, did you just say there may be METAL in my cereal?  Upon further investigation the 'Best if Used By' date and ID number verified that I had, in fact, fallen victim to the misplaced metallics.  According to this article, I can take my product back to the place of purchase and get a full refund.  Sure, I'd really like to be in front of a line of hasty New Yorkers when I try to pull that move tomorrow after work; I have a better chance of surviving if I eat the rest of the cereal.

No, you cannot pretend to go global

New York City is well known for being a melting pot; you can stroll down one city block and identify at least 10 separate candidates to star in "It's a Small World".  While walking through the Times Square subway station (don't ask) I came across a special little barber shop where one can get their hair did while waiting for a train.  I almost passed right by without a second thought until something peculiar caught my eye.  A poster hanging squarely in the front window boasts 30 popular hairstyle choices for men and boys.  Not just any old hairstyles, oh no, but "International".  I may not be the most worldly person but something tells me this does not qualify for international status.  Either the barber knows only one medium or they are promoting segregation; either way, I'd recommend taking that down.

No, you cannot bounce in the streets

On any given weekend in the city one can easily find a street fair blocking a few intersections.  Don't get me wrong- funnel cake, stuffed animals, unnecessary paraphernalia for sale- it's all in good fun.  A couple of weeks ago, I walked out my front door on a beautiful Saturday afternoon to find one such fair occupying my residential street.  As I tried to escape as quickly as possible from the hoards of people and screaming children my route was blocked by a blow-up monstrosity in the shape of a bounce house castle.  The least they could have done was put it on a flat surface so the kids don't come tumbling out the front.  No one ever said carnivals on the streets of New York were safe... or fun.

No, you cannot cater to only the male population

Everything in NYC is smaller to accommodate 8 million + people in not enough space- apartments, grocery stores, dogs.  I was just in my corner market last week which has carts made to hold a maximum of 2 boxes of cereal and aisles that give a whole new meaning to the idea of bumper cars.  When standing in the checkout line I noticed a new convenient little corner set up with goodies galore- 6-packs, bags of chips, Muscle Milk, toothpaste, basically a one-stop-shop for all things unhealthy yet contrastingly necessary.  Not until I saw the sign plastered in the middle of this arrangement did I get perturbed; it had been labeled "The Man Shelf".  I'm no feminist, but I am a girl with lots of things to do and no time to weave in and out of shuffling pedestrians to get my weekly goods.  I would appreciate a section geared towards women as well to keep my trip to a 5 minute max.  You know, the staples- pinot grigio, Wheat Thins, Vitamin Water and tampons.  While we're at it, better throw in a frozen section for that new Ben & Jerry's Greek Frozen Yogurt, clearly that goes hand in hand with the tampons.

No, you cannot panhandle in public

Manhattan is full of panhandlers; if you've ever walked down Canal Street you can clearly vouch for this statement.  Usually though, the realistic fakes are hidden behind a door, down an alley, past the hanging chickens, up a dark stairwell- three knocks and a whistle later you'll find yourself a Pucci purse for a 1/4 of the real thing.  While walking through Herald Square last weekend my afternoon stroll was interrupted by a block worth of bag thieves and a gaggle of tourists aiding them in breaking the law.  Purses were sprawled out all over sheets on the side of 6th avenue; the unassuming travelers didn't stand a chance.  Who can pass up a counterfeit handbag that has been massaged with the scent of car emissions and splashed with the omnipresent trash juice of New York City?  A housewife from Iowa surely cannot.

No, you cannot take off your shoes

Unpleasant public places are especially unpleasant as you usually have no way to escape. One of the ultimate offenders is the airport security line.  While at LaGuardia preparing for an early trip to Chicago, a father and son stepped in front of my friend and I at security.  The normal events began to take place- laptop out of bag, belt off, shoes removed... and then it happened.  I'm not sure if the smell is even describable but it was surely coming from none other than the son's sweaty, socked feet on a 90 degree day.  Truly a test of will power not to stampede through and risk possible arrest, we had no choice but to wait behind him to pass through the metal detector. As I walked under the canopied machine, two TSA agents began to realize why we hadn't taken a breath in 3 minutes; one proceeded to spray down the conveyer belt with Lysol, hoping to save what was left of the people in line.  By the time I got to the other side, my friend realized that smelly feet had left his plane ticket in the bin; neither of us wanted to personally return it in fear of being that close to what was growing in his sneakers.  Either way, we found out his name is Rafael and his seat was at least 15 rows in front of ours.  No one likes a plane neighbor who removes their shoes to get comfy, as the poor guy sitting next to Rafael would soon learn.  I hear Odor-Eaters does wonders for this issue, as does wearing sandals in the height of summer.