No, you cannot give your baby an iPhone

A routine trip to Target is always necessary when I make it back home for a weekend; something about being 5 minutes away by car and not having to haul purchases home on foot make it much more appealing then their Brooklyn outpost.  While distracting my 18-month old niece in the toy aisle I came across a brightly-colored plaything called the Apptivity Case.  Made by Fisher Price in their 'Laugh & Learn' line, this novelty item for babies 6 months and up "...will protect your iPhone or iPod touch from dribbles, drool, and unwanted call-making. Busy beads and a mirror add baby-appropriate play. And free Laugh & Learn™ apps mean plenty of learning fun!"  Hang on a second folks.  Just because we adults walk around with our faces buried in technology doesn't mean your baby should know how to make a swipe gesture with their index finger by end of year one.  Don't let the textured handles and activity beads fool you, this is just a little insane.  Get your kid a stuffed animal for Pete's sake.

No, you cannot ignore a dirty diaper

How many times have you seen a mother changing her child in an inappropriate public location?  I'm talking airplane seat cushion, park bench, movie theater...yes I've seen them all.  Sadly I passed by the ultimate offense recently- changing via New York City sidewalk.  Sure, the mother put down a blanket and even had the decency to also sit on the ground so the child didn't feel they were the only one contracting diseases at a rapid pace.  I'm going out on a limb here and assuming that there was a Starbucks nearby with a perfectly usable public bathroom, free changing table included.  Instead, she gave no less than 100 passerbys a reason to call her the worst mother of the year.  Congrats!

No, you cannot do party tricks in the park

72 and sunny describes this past Saturday in Manhattan perfectly.  Sundresses and popsicles abound, not a soul wasted the day. While at the river working on our base tans, my roommate pointed out an interesting side show nearby.  Looking up from my book, I found a Cirque du Soleil-esque performance being put on by two girls in yoga clothes.  This is usually behavior saved for a parent and child playing airplane, not grown women wondering how flexible they can prove to be in public.  Save it for pilates class, ladies; a broken neck would really put a damper on such a nice day.

No, you cannot creep me out

Mannequins creep me out.  Mannequins making facial expressions creep me out even more.  While walking down 14th street I passed by a wig store which displays its luxurious locks in the window atop multiple busts oddly placed on Grecian columns.  Whoever styled this window should find a new career choice; never mind the wigs themselves, look at the two figures on the left- absolutely terrifying.  Who is going to walk into this store with them as the greeting committee? Clearly only clientele of a place called 'Wigs and Plus'.  Clearly.

No, you cannot lick my cake

I distinctly remember as a 5th grader loving Cinnaburst gum.  Not only was it tasty but you could even chew the white paper wrapping flecked with tiny cinnamon flavor crystals; what 10 year old didn't want to do that?  Apparently a confection company in London wondered the same thing but then acted on it, leading to disaster.  The Senior Brand Manager at McVitie's thought it a marvelous portrayal of wit and intoxication of one's youth to line an office elevator with lickable wallpaper.  The paper portrays over 1,000 Jaffa Cakes, giving the 9-to-5 drone "a little joy"in their stressful day.  Descriptive phrases such as "crackly chocolate" and "orangey bits" are not helping their cause; co-workers can crawl on the floor or even stand on their tiptoes to reach the highest cakes.  Not to worry, my friends, the cakes are apparently "refreshed" so you don't pass cooties (or mono, but whatever you want to call it).  The only way this would work is if the cakes were legitimately refreshed every single time someone stepped foot in or out of that elevator.  No, on second thought that clearly would not work either.  Sorry McVitie's, stick to selling biscuits and you may not completely tarnish your name. And fire that Senior Brand Manager while you're at it.

This can't be real life

No, you cannot scold me in public

Whether dentist or dietitian, banker or balloon-animal artist, the annual review is an inescapable process in everyone's professional career.  As I found out this week, employees at fast food joints are not excused from this awkward meeting with their managers.  While enjoying a burrito bowl at Chipotle, I overheard an unreasonably loud conversation taking place between three employees.  The two managers were telling a 'crew member' (aka burrito roller) how he was doing on the job.  They criticized how he worked with other crew members, suggested greeting customers with more 'pizazz', and explained that the burritos needed to be rolled just a little tighter (fine, I made the last one up).  Either way, being reviewed in the middle of your workplace is not only embarrassing but must be against at least a few Department of Labor rules.  Do you think the balloon-animal artist would appreciate being told his monkeys should look less like dogs by the head clown in front of a birthday party of rambunctious five year-olds?  I don't think so.

No, you cannot leave me hanging

Some things were created for pure convenience and practicality.  Bottled water, pencil holders, the Magic Bullet- not completely necessary but always save precious moments of your day.   If you own a purse, coat, or anything else that is meant to hang, you've also made fast friends with the ever-handy coat hook.  Sadly, I've found myself far too often in a restaurant bathroom or waiting for a drink at the bar with nowhere to suspend my tote or trench.  Worse though is when the missing hook has left evidence behind of once being present.  I ran into this very situation tonight while out to dinner with co-workers; a 3M Command strip firmly in place, hook MIA.  This should teach us three things:
   1) Don't bring personal items to the bathroom,
   2) 3M hooks are made to hold small picture frames, not winter coats, and
   3) Some girls need to reevaluate what they pack in their handbags.

No, you cannot tip me over and pour me out

The most interesting things can happen in 10 seconds at a stoplight in Manhattan.  Take for instance the episode I saw while traveling north on 6th Avenue the other day.  Two men were in the middle of a busy bike lane, next to an even busier 4 lane road, attempting to fix the front wheel of a baby stroller.  In the 10 seconds we loitered at the light, the stroller was tipped, dipped, swerved and brought to an angle that no child should experience until their first roller coaster ride at Six Flags.  I'm going to go ahead and assume there was not a child in the stroller; let's just hope they didn't forget him in the van.

No, you cannot tell me how to do my job

With the thermometer hitting 65 degrees and my toes not seeing the light of day for 5 months, it was high time for a pedicure.  My roommate and I were sitting at the nail dryers when we spotted this woman whip out her iPad across the salon.  She proceeded to play a video for the nail technician on how to give a pedicure... while she was getting a pedicure.  After more careful eavesdropping we deduced that the woman was actually pitching some newfangled machine that performs pedicures for you.  She then asked if the technicians thought the salon owner would be interested in learning more about her product- you know, the one that could replace their jobs.  This woman couldn't sell a T-bone steak to a pack of hungry dogs, forget about pedicure robots.  Someone should take her iPad away.

No, you cannot use off-brand font

Surely everyone has that person in the office that puts up unnecessary signage, littering the walls with promotions for a book club or the always unpopular group yoga in the conference room on Tuesdays at 7am.  A friend posted a similar scenario from her office yesterday, though this sign actually garnered a surly response from one colleague.  Maybe it’s because I work for a branding agency that I find this funnier than the average Joe but it is a fact that unless you are selling toys, making a flier for the circus, or running a lemonade stand, Comic Sans shall not be used.