No, you cannot: A Look Back at 2012

Another year gone, more insanity to spread.  One would think it would be difficult to keep up a blog for two consecutive years on the same topic, but alas, I'm never void of ridiculous material to share with my readers.  Memory lane is calling our names; let's revisit the top stories of 2012, shall we?

Voted Most Popular story #3 is: "No, you cannot scold me in public"

A trip to Toronto proved that managers in all countries tend to be an easy subject of scorn.  After blasting these two managers on No Ponies and Twitter, Chipotle actually wrote back with an apology and promise to speak to the managers about their behavior.  1- No Ponies, 0- hat visors in the workplace.

We have a tie at #2 ladies and gentleman!

Keeping things PC is the infamous: "No, you cannot pick crops at the drugstore"

Back in February, Walgreens showed its support for Black History Month as well as proof of why someone lost their job that day.

Rounding off the summer heat wave is: "No, you cannot be that desperate"

This summer I easily proved that long periods of extreme heat entice people to lose their ability to make rational life decisions.  Case in point, photo to the left.

 And your most read Pony post of 2012 is: "No, you cannot use off-brand font"

Co-workers are a breeding pool for blog material.  These are people you are forced to see day in and day out who you never got a say in screening in the first place.  Some are over-sharers, closet hoarders, or somehow skirting by while brown-nosing all the way to the top.  Others, unfortunately, just don't know how to use Times New Roman.








Thank you again for making No Ponies a regular in daily distractions from your actual priorities; wishing you a great start to 2013 and much, much more irony to come!  Until next time...neigh.

No, you cannot pull a rabbit out of a subway car

Far beneath the city that never sleeps lies another world filled with entertainment beyond belief.  The free acts found on the New York City subway system could literally keep one occupied with song and dance for hours on end.  From the standard guitar player and gutsy break dancer to the bizarre 6-piece mariachi band or exotic Chinese erhu; these "artists" tend to enter a train car unnoticed then all of the sudden start to peddle their wares for the merriment, and hopefully pocket change, of weary travelers.  I thought I had seen it all until my friend sent along photos of a full blown magic act happening on the 6 train during her morning commute.  We're not talking pulling quarters out of a stranger's ear or a never-ending line of colorful scarves- oh no, that's all too mundane for Manhattanites!  Let's pull out the big guns, shall we?  The real bucks are made when there are live animals involved, in this case the infamous white rabbit.  Poor rabbit, had no idea what he was getting himself into when staring at this guy with big brown eyes from behind the glass at the local Petsmart. The subway holds a tough crowd, at least now the rabbit has a better chance to make it on Broadway after all of this practice.

No, you cannot stick me there

Growing up I distinctly remember my mom sporting 'My Child is an Honor Roll Student!' and 'Dance Mom' proudly on her car bumper; I also recall being slightly embarrassed by this but feeling some consolation in the fact that every other minivan boasted the same excessive signs.  As bumper stickers became a thing of the past, more ridiculous decals were unveiled that went above and beyond TMI.  Gone were the days one could only gloat about their child's stellar swimming status or brag that this was their 6th (yes 6th!) consecutive year at band camp.  Oh no, the entire family (dogs, cats and fish included) now gets recognition.  Does your husband golf?  We've got him with a 9 iron!  Two daughters in ballet, one on the chess team, son in soccer and baby on the way?  Get the basic family accessories package and detachable baby bump for easy updating after nine months fly by!

Seriously?  Pretty soon this person won't be able to see out the back window; an obstruction of view ticket is rapidly approaching with each car line drop off.

No, you cannot be that lost

With 10 stories, 7 restaurants and an entire city block under its foundation, the Macy’s of Herald Square in New York city proudly boasts the name “America’s Largest Department Store”.   As the holidays quickly approach, hoards of visitors from around the world come to see the spectacle that is home to the Thanksgiving Day Parade and Miracle on 34th Street.  As you can imagine, these  wide-eyed and bushy-tailed voyagers have no clue where they’re going. 

Cue the clever yet unnecessary app! 

Macy’s has unveiled an indoor GPS iPhone app that gives turn-by-turn directions to guide the eager shopper through perfume counters, clothing racks and shoe departments alike.  Listen, I’m in the technology field and think this is actually a creative use of the GPS feature but let’s re-evaluate the repercussions of this.  Now instead of trudging through the chaos with semi-alert tourists, you will be dealing with a bunch of head-down autobots attempting to get to Aunt Annie’s on the 4th floor while never once looking up.  To make sure this has a creepy factor, they will also be able to track your every movement around the store and bombard you with ads of things you clearly don’t need nearby.  Very clever retail trick, Macy’s; fortunately I only get into the store about once a year and now with your handy app I’ll be in and out to use your public restroom in a flash.

No, you cannot grind my teeth for me

Cereal, the breakfast of champions.  I try to steer clear of the sugary types though something sweet every now and then won't kill anyone... or so I thought.  When getting ready one morning the Today Show had a quick piece on a Kellogg's recall of Frosted Mini-Wheats cereal; my ears perked up as I was three-quarters of the way through the box sitting in my kitchen.  Apparently 2.8 million boxes of the bite-sized goodies were being recalled due to, "... the possible presence of fragments of flexible metal mesh from a faulty manufacturing part."  Oh, I'm sorry, did you just say there may be METAL in my cereal?  Upon further investigation the 'Best if Used By' date and ID number verified that I had, in fact, fallen victim to the misplaced metallics.  According to this article, I can take my product back to the place of purchase and get a full refund.  Sure, I'd really like to be in front of a line of hasty New Yorkers when I try to pull that move tomorrow after work; I have a better chance of surviving if I eat the rest of the cereal.

No, you cannot pretend to go global

New York City is well known for being a melting pot; you can stroll down one city block and identify at least 10 separate candidates to star in "It's a Small World".  While walking through the Times Square subway station (don't ask) I came across a special little barber shop where one can get their hair did while waiting for a train.  I almost passed right by without a second thought until something peculiar caught my eye.  A poster hanging squarely in the front window boasts 30 popular hairstyle choices for men and boys.  Not just any old hairstyles, oh no, but "International".  I may not be the most worldly person but something tells me this does not qualify for international status.  Either the barber knows only one medium or they are promoting segregation; either way, I'd recommend taking that down.

No, you cannot bounce in the streets

On any given weekend in the city one can easily find a street fair blocking a few intersections.  Don't get me wrong- funnel cake, stuffed animals, unnecessary paraphernalia for sale- it's all in good fun.  A couple of weeks ago, I walked out my front door on a beautiful Saturday afternoon to find one such fair occupying my residential street.  As I tried to escape as quickly as possible from the hoards of people and screaming children my route was blocked by a blow-up monstrosity in the shape of a bounce house castle.  The least they could have done was put it on a flat surface so the kids don't come tumbling out the front.  No one ever said carnivals on the streets of New York were safe... or fun.

No, you cannot cater to only the male population

Everything in NYC is smaller to accommodate 8 million + people in not enough space- apartments, grocery stores, dogs.  I was just in my corner market last week which has carts made to hold a maximum of 2 boxes of cereal and aisles that give a whole new meaning to the idea of bumper cars.  When standing in the checkout line I noticed a new convenient little corner set up with goodies galore- 6-packs, bags of chips, Muscle Milk, toothpaste, basically a one-stop-shop for all things unhealthy yet contrastingly necessary.  Not until I saw the sign plastered in the middle of this arrangement did I get perturbed; it had been labeled "The Man Shelf".  I'm no feminist, but I am a girl with lots of things to do and no time to weave in and out of shuffling pedestrians to get my weekly goods.  I would appreciate a section geared towards women as well to keep my trip to a 5 minute max.  You know, the staples- pinot grigio, Wheat Thins, Vitamin Water and tampons.  While we're at it, better throw in a frozen section for that new Ben & Jerry's Greek Frozen Yogurt, clearly that goes hand in hand with the tampons.

No, you cannot panhandle in public

Manhattan is full of panhandlers; if you've ever walked down Canal Street you can clearly vouch for this statement.  Usually though, the realistic fakes are hidden behind a door, down an alley, past the hanging chickens, up a dark stairwell- three knocks and a whistle later you'll find yourself a Pucci purse for a 1/4 of the real thing.  While walking through Herald Square last weekend my afternoon stroll was interrupted by a block worth of bag thieves and a gaggle of tourists aiding them in breaking the law.  Purses were sprawled out all over sheets on the side of 6th avenue; the unassuming travelers didn't stand a chance.  Who can pass up a counterfeit handbag that has been massaged with the scent of car emissions and splashed with the omnipresent trash juice of New York City?  A housewife from Iowa surely cannot.

No, you cannot take off your shoes

Unpleasant public places are especially unpleasant as you usually have no way to escape. One of the ultimate offenders is the airport security line.  While at LaGuardia preparing for an early trip to Chicago, a father and son stepped in front of my friend and I at security.  The normal events began to take place- laptop out of bag, belt off, shoes removed... and then it happened.  I'm not sure if the smell is even describable but it was surely coming from none other than the son's sweaty, socked feet on a 90 degree day.  Truly a test of will power not to stampede through and risk possible arrest, we had no choice but to wait behind him to pass through the metal detector. As I walked under the canopied machine, two TSA agents began to realize why we hadn't taken a breath in 3 minutes; one proceeded to spray down the conveyer belt with Lysol, hoping to save what was left of the people in line.  By the time I got to the other side, my friend realized that smelly feet had left his plane ticket in the bin; neither of us wanted to personally return it in fear of being that close to what was growing in his sneakers.  Either way, we found out his name is Rafael and his seat was at least 15 rows in front of ours.  No one likes a plane neighbor who removes their shoes to get comfy, as the poor guy sitting next to Rafael would soon learn.  I hear Odor-Eaters does wonders for this issue, as does wearing sandals in the height of summer.

No, you cannot fight like cats and dogs

Last summer I brought you a story about a Care Bear meandering down Broadway and offended said Care Bear, leading to a surplus of comments in which he claims that being a Furry is completely normal.  I still beg to differ with this notion.

Recently my friend happened to be sitting at her apartment window on Gay Street in Greenwich Village when a group of 'Fursuiters' appeared out of the blue.  Some 20+ cats and dogs came running down the alley making war for no apparent reason, then peacefully huddling once the winner had been decided.  This seems to be a growing trend that I just can't get behind; in case you're interested, though, it's easy to find a Furry meet-up in a town near you!

I can't make this stuff up.

No, you cannot go all-out commando

Down in the warm city of Ft. Lauderdale, FL women can be seen trotting around in next to nothing and calling it clothing just to survive possible heat stroke.  My best friend and her fiance unfortunately see one such woman far too often, one who bothers wearing nothing at all.  This woman, known as "Big Bertha", is apparently homeless and camps out on the regs on a public bench stationed outside this innocent Walgreens.   If the photo isn't enough, Bertha was arrested recently and "...charged with exposure of sexual organs in public and was initially held on a $100 bond, according to the South Florida Sun-Sentinel."  Bertha claims she was just changing her clothes which is why she happened to be found naked on the bus bench.  Poor attorney Steve Rossi, his advertisement on that bench is forever tainted with Bertha's body excretions; maybe he can have her kept in jail or, at the very least, comp her an orange jumpsuit.

No, you cannot be that desperate

It's a scorcher today in NYC; with temperatures hitting the triple digits people were doing anything to stay cool.  I solved this problem by drinking a glass of ice water on my way to work- others took it a little too far.  As I walked through Washington Square Park, squealing and splashing could undeniably be spotted in only one place- the central fountain.  Meant to be a place of observation, children, teenagers and adults alike were bathing in the midst of hundreds of on-lookers.  Hate to be the bearer of bad news, but pretty sure that water is reclaimed from NYU bathrooms or, if you're lucky, the Hudson.  A few tips if you must jump in: try not to slip, keep your mouth shut, and refrain if you're wearing a clingy cotton dress with no bra.  Just saying.

No, you cannot feel free to pee

Listen, I understand the curse of a bladder the size of a pea.  Many a road trip was interrupted growing up and I can now tell you where every Starbucks in the city is located. Some people unfortunately are not using this same tact and wait far too long to pull the trigger.  Case in point, check out this sign on the door of a convenience store.  I'm not sure which is worse, the numerous people who had to have done this which inspired the sign or the fact that the owners think the way to solve this problem is with the sign.  Anyone who is urinating on the building is clearly not making it to the door for further instruction, so technically they're preaching to the choir.  The double underlining really drives the point home here; hey, at least they said thank you.

No, you cannot give your baby an iPhone

A routine trip to Target is always necessary when I make it back home for a weekend; something about being 5 minutes away by car and not having to haul purchases home on foot make it much more appealing then their Brooklyn outpost.  While distracting my 18-month old niece in the toy aisle I came across a brightly-colored plaything called the Apptivity Case.  Made by Fisher Price in their 'Laugh & Learn' line, this novelty item for babies 6 months and up "...will protect your iPhone or iPod touch from dribbles, drool, and unwanted call-making. Busy beads and a mirror add baby-appropriate play. And free Laugh & Learn™ apps mean plenty of learning fun!"  Hang on a second folks.  Just because we adults walk around with our faces buried in technology doesn't mean your baby should know how to make a swipe gesture with their index finger by end of year one.  Don't let the textured handles and activity beads fool you, this is just a little insane.  Get your kid a stuffed animal for Pete's sake.

No, you cannot ignore a dirty diaper

How many times have you seen a mother changing her child in an inappropriate public location?  I'm talking airplane seat cushion, park bench, movie theater...yes I've seen them all.  Sadly I passed by the ultimate offense recently- changing via New York City sidewalk.  Sure, the mother put down a blanket and even had the decency to also sit on the ground so the child didn't feel they were the only one contracting diseases at a rapid pace.  I'm going out on a limb here and assuming that there was a Starbucks nearby with a perfectly usable public bathroom, free changing table included.  Instead, she gave no less than 100 passerbys a reason to call her the worst mother of the year.  Congrats!

No, you cannot do party tricks in the park

72 and sunny describes this past Saturday in Manhattan perfectly.  Sundresses and popsicles abound, not a soul wasted the day. While at the river working on our base tans, my roommate pointed out an interesting side show nearby.  Looking up from my book, I found a Cirque du Soleil-esque performance being put on by two girls in yoga clothes.  This is usually behavior saved for a parent and child playing airplane, not grown women wondering how flexible they can prove to be in public.  Save it for pilates class, ladies; a broken neck would really put a damper on such a nice day.

No, you cannot creep me out

Mannequins creep me out.  Mannequins making facial expressions creep me out even more.  While walking down 14th street I passed by a wig store which displays its luxurious locks in the window atop multiple busts oddly placed on Grecian columns.  Whoever styled this window should find a new career choice; never mind the wigs themselves, look at the two figures on the left- absolutely terrifying.  Who is going to walk into this store with them as the greeting committee? Clearly only clientele of a place called 'Wigs and Plus'.  Clearly.

No, you cannot lick my cake

I distinctly remember as a 5th grader loving Cinnaburst gum.  Not only was it tasty but you could even chew the white paper wrapping flecked with tiny cinnamon flavor crystals; what 10 year old didn't want to do that?  Apparently a confection company in London wondered the same thing but then acted on it, leading to disaster.  The Senior Brand Manager at McVitie's thought it a marvelous portrayal of wit and intoxication of one's youth to line an office elevator with lickable wallpaper.  The paper portrays over 1,000 Jaffa Cakes, giving the 9-to-5 drone "a little joy"in their stressful day.  Descriptive phrases such as "crackly chocolate" and "orangey bits" are not helping their cause; co-workers can crawl on the floor or even stand on their tiptoes to reach the highest cakes.  Not to worry, my friends, the cakes are apparently "refreshed" so you don't pass cooties (or mono, but whatever you want to call it).  The only way this would work is if the cakes were legitimately refreshed every single time someone stepped foot in or out of that elevator.  No, on second thought that clearly would not work either.  Sorry McVitie's, stick to selling biscuits and you may not completely tarnish your name. And fire that Senior Brand Manager while you're at it.

This can't be real life

No, you cannot scold me in public

Whether dentist or dietitian, banker or balloon-animal artist, the annual review is an inescapable process in everyone's professional career.  As I found out this week, employees at fast food joints are not excused from this awkward meeting with their managers.  While enjoying a burrito bowl at Chipotle, I overheard an unreasonably loud conversation taking place between three employees.  The two managers were telling a 'crew member' (aka burrito roller) how he was doing on the job.  They criticized how he worked with other crew members, suggested greeting customers with more 'pizazz', and explained that the burritos needed to be rolled just a little tighter (fine, I made the last one up).  Either way, being reviewed in the middle of your workplace is not only embarrassing but must be against at least a few Department of Labor rules.  Do you think the balloon-animal artist would appreciate being told his monkeys should look less like dogs by the head clown in front of a birthday party of rambunctious five year-olds?  I don't think so.

No, you cannot leave me hanging

Some things were created for pure convenience and practicality.  Bottled water, pencil holders, the Magic Bullet- not completely necessary but always save precious moments of your day.   If you own a purse, coat, or anything else that is meant to hang, you've also made fast friends with the ever-handy coat hook.  Sadly, I've found myself far too often in a restaurant bathroom or waiting for a drink at the bar with nowhere to suspend my tote or trench.  Worse though is when the missing hook has left evidence behind of once being present.  I ran into this very situation tonight while out to dinner with co-workers; a 3M Command strip firmly in place, hook MIA.  This should teach us three things:
   1) Don't bring personal items to the bathroom,
   2) 3M hooks are made to hold small picture frames, not winter coats, and
   3) Some girls need to reevaluate what they pack in their handbags.

No, you cannot tip me over and pour me out

The most interesting things can happen in 10 seconds at a stoplight in Manhattan.  Take for instance the episode I saw while traveling north on 6th Avenue the other day.  Two men were in the middle of a busy bike lane, next to an even busier 4 lane road, attempting to fix the front wheel of a baby stroller.  In the 10 seconds we loitered at the light, the stroller was tipped, dipped, swerved and brought to an angle that no child should experience until their first roller coaster ride at Six Flags.  I'm going to go ahead and assume there was not a child in the stroller; let's just hope they didn't forget him in the van.

No, you cannot tell me how to do my job

With the thermometer hitting 65 degrees and my toes not seeing the light of day for 5 months, it was high time for a pedicure.  My roommate and I were sitting at the nail dryers when we spotted this woman whip out her iPad across the salon.  She proceeded to play a video for the nail technician on how to give a pedicure... while she was getting a pedicure.  After more careful eavesdropping we deduced that the woman was actually pitching some newfangled machine that performs pedicures for you.  She then asked if the technicians thought the salon owner would be interested in learning more about her product- you know, the one that could replace their jobs.  This woman couldn't sell a T-bone steak to a pack of hungry dogs, forget about pedicure robots.  Someone should take her iPad away.

No, you cannot use off-brand font

Surely everyone has that person in the office that puts up unnecessary signage, littering the walls with promotions for a book club or the always unpopular group yoga in the conference room on Tuesdays at 7am.  A friend posted a similar scenario from her office yesterday, though this sign actually garnered a surly response from one colleague.  Maybe it’s because I work for a branding agency that I find this funnier than the average Joe but it is a fact that unless you are selling toys, making a flier for the circus, or running a lemonade stand, Comic Sans shall not be used.

No, you cannot make me work for free

As we all know, a leap year only comes along once every four years.  Poor children born on this day, no Facebook notification of birth, no free Starbucks coffee postcard, no 21st birthday party as 21 it is not a multiple of 4.  So sad.  Those who look at the glass half full would say this is a lucky day, an extra day of life to do something out of character.  After watching tonight's Modern Family, and the strange occurrences of my own leap day, I was enlightened by a good friend that this day also represents a day our payrolls decide to ignore.  Silly trick, really, but think about it!  You just worked 8 - 10 hours absolutely for free.  Too late to stick it to the man at this point, he already took your day.  Mark your calendar for 2016, looks like you're on vacation.

No, you cannot pick crops at the drugstore

The pharmacy mogul Walgreens would like to enhance your shopping experience in February by celebrating Black History Month.  At this location, looks like the store manager sent his 19-year old stock clerk out in front to place signage showing their support.  According to the Walgreens.com FAQ section, the average store is 14,500 sq feet and carries approximately 18,000 products.  Obviously said stock clerk decided to have some fun in the beauty aisle.

Obviously said stock clerk is no longer stocking...

No, you cannot plan a wedding in 60 days

Weddings are the ultimate event.  The amount of planning, people and politics that go into one is something that cannot be rushed.  Today Gilt City, the site which brings your city to your doorstep for half the price, offered quite the deal.  Picture it- 100 of your closest family and friends participating in the after party of your nuptials in the infamous Oak Room at The Plaza Hotel, equipped with cocktails, dancing, flowers and more- all for the low price of 55 grand.  Reading through the list of included swag, this is essentially a great deal for such a renowned New York location.  But then there's always the fine print:

• You must redeem the coupon by April 30, 2012
• March 2nd, March 31st, and April 20th are already taken
• The voucher does not include tax which will be charged separately by the vendor

These three limitations translate into the following:

• You better already be engaged because you only have 60 days to plan a wedding- good luck.
• You actually only have 8 dates, including this weekend, to choose from.  If you don't have a fiance just go find some guy at a bar because this is guaranteed to be the best party evvveeerrr.
• Your honeymoon will consist of a carriage ride around Central Park and a quick trip to Nathan's because NYC sales tax will cost you another $8,000.

Having a wedding at The Plaza would be many a girls dream, though somehow doing it through an online coupon takes away the sparkle just a tad. Seems more like they had a few open weekends to get rid of rather than truly wanting to host your special day.  I mean, how enthusiastic do you think that included wedding planner will be on no commission?

No, you cannot make my coffee fat

One of the steps to becoming a true New Yorker is taking your coffee black.  I've just about made it to that point, only adding a quick splash of milk to curb the edge.  Today I heard a commercial about a new flavor of International Delight coffee creamer in the form of Cold Stone Creamery Sweet Cream.  Upon further exploration, I found the rainbow of other cake-in-a-cup options including Cinnabon, Almond Joy, and Southern Butter Pecan.  I admit to having a sweet tooth but these flavors err on the side of absurd.  Black coffee has maybe 5 calories; adding any of these to your caffeine fix will throw in up to 7 times that plus all sorts of ingredients you can't pronounce.  Way to try to spin this one, International Delight; if I'm going to consume a bunch of crap any way it may as well taste good.  Bring on the waffle bowl and cookie dough crumble, please.

No, you cannot include pointless buttons

You can run, you can hide, but you can't escape a summon for jury duty.  I opened my mailbox last week to this undesirable document and immediately started thinking of how to dodge my calling.  A co-worker who was recently dismissed from summons counseled me on how to postpone my jury service for a few months.  In order to do so the government website asks you to enter a cryptic code depicted on screen;  the page also offers the option to listen to the characters in the image.  I don't know if it's because I work in software development, or because I'm not moronic, but can someone explain why they would place a 'listening' button on a web page which requires the ability to see?  A person who needs the letters read aloud is most likely sight impaired which means they can't actually use the website as intended.  To top it off, when I ventured to click on the button...silence.  No sound came out!  I cannot be expected to serve as a contributing jury member if government web designers cannot anticipate the ridiculousness of a meaningless button.

No, you cannot promote foot fungus

Apparently there's a new movement where people are going out in public barefoot.  I'm sorry, I do not get this.  If you've ever taken a look at a sidewalk you'll find everything from broken glass to the remnants of a dog's morning walk waiting for you by the curb.  Although I don't think this is a normal occurrence, these deranged groups say it's completely safe.

While out recently I happened to catch a girl who seemed to be trying out this theory.  She decided that enduring the pain of her high heels was not worth the possible contraction of ringworm and abandoned her strappy sandals for the sticky bar floor.  This is simply unacceptable.  You do not know what bodily fluid or invisible remnant tracked in from the streets is waiting to attach itself to your permanent soles.  Pain is beauty, people; invest in some Dr. Scholl's and deal with it.

No, you cannot have a double name

I'm sitting on my couch about to start writing a post on the usual crazy thing witnessed this week when I am distracted by American Idol beaming in the background with the latest hopefuls of this season.  The last contestant of tonight's audition is a joyful boy from small town Georgia named Phillip Phillips, Jr.  It seems he understands that his name is completely absurd because he acknowledges this in his on-camera interview.  They cut to the pawn shop where he works for his dad whose name is obviously Phillip Phillips, Sr.  This got me thinking- why would you bestow the same ridiculous name on your son that your parents foolishly gave to you?  This chain could have easily been stopped as the father was the first Phillip Phillips in line.  Try saying it 5 times fast- you can't; he must have been a walking joke in elementary school, poor kid.  Nonetheless, he seems like a sweet guy who can actually sing.  Hopefully they'll let Steven Tyler come up with his new stage name by the time they get to Hollywood.

No, you cannot only provide terrible options

I'm not above Hair Cuttery.  The stylists are licensed professionals who had to practice on the same types of locks as a high-end salon owner in order to get near my head.  Some places, though, cannot rest on these laurels as it is questionable where said licenses were earned or who is providing the overall creative direction.  Take for instance a barber shop I passed recently which boasted a few of their top sellers on a sign out on the sidewalk.  Let's take a minute to analyze each option, shall we?  The two on the top, though awful, are at least dismissible as a momentary lapse in judgment.  The bottom two are just beyond; the captions should read "If you want to look like a rapist, early 90's C-list white rapper, or generally like to spend time alone, PICK ME!"  There is no way any sane person would look in the mirror after their mane was completely massacred into this shape and convince themselves that things are looking up.  At least I know which stylists to blame when I see a mess of this caliber roaming the city- here's looking at you Barber Shop on MacDougal and West 8th Street.

No, you cannot leave your stuff lying around

I'll admit it, I'm kind of a neat freak.  If there are crumbs on the counter, a stack of papers misaligned, or smudge on the mirror I can't help but wipe, straighten and Windex until order is restored.  Fine, I'm borderline OCD; it is what it is.  I can cope with leaving a pile or two around the house just because time has not allowed for things to go in their rightful place, though this disregard for organization can only last so long.  Take for instance the NYPD who tend to leave large items around town after a public event to be picked up by the clean-up crew.  On my walk to work everyday I pass a pile of metal barricades on the corner of 18th St. and 6th Ave.  I rarely notice them as they are not in the middle of the sidewalk nor necessarily bothering anyone, but it came to my attention recently that these structures have been living as orphans since the Halloween Parade.  Yes, the Halloween Parade which occurred the night of October 31st where this corner served as the end of the line for floats and followers.  At the time there were hundreds of barricades up and down 6th Avenue but these lone soldiers got left out in the cold, literally.  Not saying that NYPD doesn't have more important things to do, but I'd assume the inventory round-up for 2011 was off by a few items and I'd like to inform the city that I've found them.  Plus, the 2012 budgets are probably being finalized as I type this and I would prefer my city tax dollars be spent in a more useful way than replacing stray equipment.  On the bright side, at least they're stacked nicely.

No, you cannot dress your pet against their will

I don't personally own a pet, but if I did, I could possibly be one of those people who dress them in adorable outfits and semi-necessary accessories.  That being said, if the aforementioned pet squirms, walks funny, or looks beyond miserable in the outfit, it may be a good idea to let them go commando.  Case in point, my friend was walking past a window in the West Village when she noticed quite the duo staring out onto the sidewalk.  The scorn being cast at every passerby could actually be interpreted as a cry for help.  Funny enough, when I saw the photo I knew exactly which block she was on.  Think back- No Ponies, June 2011, Gay Pride- yes!  The same cat I saw all dolled up in a rainbow-colored jester collar six months ago was now sporting a sweater along with her nobby-haired friend.  When will this deranged owner realize that he is soon to find himself with no cats if he doesn't just let them be?  If one more feline shows up in that window, and happens to be wearing sequins, I'm calling the ASPCA.

Fancy Feast cat (still miserable) & friend

Looked a little less gloomy in the summer

No, you cannot: A Look Back at 2011

Back in May 2011 a love of writing and loathe of insanity inspired 'No, you cannot' to come to life.  Thanks to my loyal readers and friends who were forced to review every post, the blog has been visited almost 3,000 times and counting!  To start off the New Year let us take a stroll down memory lane to visit the top 3 posts of 2011:

Your #3 Post is: "No, you cannot display your full moon in public"

I saw a lot of interesting things happen this summer but
one of the highlights includes being accidentally mooned
by an unsuspecting girl outside of a busy Lower East Side
bar.  I'm hoping all of my female readers learned something
from this inopportune situation. 






Coming in at #2: "No, you cannot match your doll"

It seems that a lot of craziness can be found in the midst of public
transportation, hence why stories from planes, trains and subways
make up a good portion of the posts in 2011.  Leaving his fashion
sense at home that day, this man was no exception as he shamelessly sported an outfit which drew far too close a resemblance to the
doll he happened to be carrying.  I know, I'm still baffled too.







And the #1 Most Read Post of 2011: "No, you cannot casually sport a fur costume"

Due to a bit of delayed controversy, TenderHeart strolling
down Broadway has won the title of most read post of
2011!  With around 50 views to the story originally written
in May, the views grew to over 200 thanks to multiple
comments made by the alleged Care Bear himself.
Just scroll down to the comment area, it's pretty entertaining.



Thank you to all who have visited the past few months!  Never short on material, expect to see even more stories about people a few crayons short of box set this coming year.  Keep sending in what irks you and the unhinged moments of everyday life- I'm happy to share your "no ponies on the train" moments with others.  Then at least everyone can be warned of what irrational decisions people are actually capable of making and avoid, avoid, avoid.  Until next time!