No, you cannot go all-out commando

Down in the warm city of Ft. Lauderdale, FL women can be seen trotting around in next to nothing and calling it clothing just to survive possible heat stroke.  My best friend and her fiance unfortunately see one such woman far too often, one who bothers wearing nothing at all.  This woman, known as "Big Bertha", is apparently homeless and camps out on the regs on a public bench stationed outside this innocent Walgreens.   If the photo isn't enough, Bertha was arrested recently and "...charged with exposure of sexual organs in public and was initially held on a $100 bond, according to the South Florida Sun-Sentinel."  Bertha claims she was just changing her clothes which is why she happened to be found naked on the bus bench.  Poor attorney Steve Rossi, his advertisement on that bench is forever tainted with Bertha's body excretions; maybe he can have her kept in jail or, at the very least, comp her an orange jumpsuit.

No, you cannot be that desperate

It's a scorcher today in NYC; with temperatures hitting the triple digits people were doing anything to stay cool.  I solved this problem by drinking a glass of ice water on my way to work- others took it a little too far.  As I walked through Washington Square Park, squealing and splashing could undeniably be spotted in only one place- the central fountain.  Meant to be a place of observation, children, teenagers and adults alike were bathing in the midst of hundreds of on-lookers.  Hate to be the bearer of bad news, but pretty sure that water is reclaimed from NYU bathrooms or, if you're lucky, the Hudson.  A few tips if you must jump in: try not to slip, keep your mouth shut, and refrain if you're wearing a clingy cotton dress with no bra.  Just saying.

No, you cannot feel free to pee

Listen, I understand the curse of a bladder the size of a pea.  Many a road trip was interrupted growing up and I can now tell you where every Starbucks in the city is located. Some people unfortunately are not using this same tact and wait far too long to pull the trigger.  Case in point, check out this sign on the door of a convenience store.  I'm not sure which is worse, the numerous people who had to have done this which inspired the sign or the fact that the owners think the way to solve this problem is with the sign.  Anyone who is urinating on the building is clearly not making it to the door for further instruction, so technically they're preaching to the choir.  The double underlining really drives the point home here; hey, at least they said thank you.

No, you cannot give your baby an iPhone

A routine trip to Target is always necessary when I make it back home for a weekend; something about being 5 minutes away by car and not having to haul purchases home on foot make it much more appealing then their Brooklyn outpost.  While distracting my 18-month old niece in the toy aisle I came across a brightly-colored plaything called the Apptivity Case.  Made by Fisher Price in their 'Laugh & Learn' line, this novelty item for babies 6 months and up "...will protect your iPhone or iPod touch from dribbles, drool, and unwanted call-making. Busy beads and a mirror add baby-appropriate play. And free Laugh & Learn™ apps mean plenty of learning fun!"  Hang on a second folks.  Just because we adults walk around with our faces buried in technology doesn't mean your baby should know how to make a swipe gesture with their index finger by end of year one.  Don't let the textured handles and activity beads fool you, this is just a little insane.  Get your kid a stuffed animal for Pete's sake.