No, you cannot pop wheelies on the L.I.E.

Happy Memorial Day everyone!  I imagine your weekend involved some sort of travel; if it did not, count yourself amongst the lucky ones.  I'm not quite aware how fate figures it out, but surely a shuttle company, 3 airports, all taxi drivers, and a hotel clerk cannot be in cahoots to make my life more difficult.  After taking every mode of transportation to get back to Manhattan today except boat and horse, I was welcomed by a ban of night riders with minimal regard for the flow of traffic or life in general.

My trip home post-two delayed flights included being squashed in the back seat of a shuttle van with 12 fellow travelers, an erratic driver jamming to Taio Cruz, no shock absorbers and about 3,124 potholes.  As we came off of an exit ramp on to the Long Island Expressway we were greeted by four motorcyclists who apparently thought using the highway as their personal practice field/possible funeral at 6:30 pm on a holiday was a grand idea.  Our driver was attempting to be cautious, though I could tell his NY driving skills were telling him otherwise.  As we finally make it on to the L.I.E. the group of motorcyclists end up directly in front of the van where practice was set to begin.  One popped a wheelie, receiving a gasp from some of the passengers, a 'Really...really?' from most.  As one leads, the others will follow and before you know it I felt like I was at the recital of the Evil Knievel Trick School, which unfortunately was not actually on my list of things to do this evening.  A few tips to the band of misguided riders:

1. The Long Island Expressway is not your playground; if you would like to practice your fancy moves please take to the New Jersey Turnpike.
2. Pissing a whole lot of people off in traffic does in no way, shape, or form make you look like a badass.  I would personally like to get home in one piece and also avoid seeing your body in multiple pieces, if possible.
3. If you must perform tricks in front of a wide audience you could at least be a little more creative and ride backwards with no hands or something.

Moral of the story is the actual traveling aspect of a holiday weekend is always zero fun, but if people could refrain from public annoyance just long enough for me to get to my destination it would be much appreciated.  Until, of course, I get dropped off in front of Penn Station and realize there is no avoiding public annoyance while walking past the cluster mess they call the taxi line.

No, you cannot leave enough space for a mack truck to drive between your legs

Remember as a young lady when your mama reminded you on a daily basis to sit like a lady, sit up straighter, cross your legs...basically sit differently then you are currently sitting?  Some people were not lucky enough to receive this goodwill badgering which is why dangerous cases of drafty drawers occur on a regular basis.  Take this woman for instance, who I'm sure is a very nice person, and hey, even tech savvy using 2 phones while on a subway underground...?  Either way, she has left a substantial amount of space between her legs while wearing a skirt which is a cardinal no-no in the ways of a lady. Sometimes, a little mystery is a GOOD thing... no one on this train paid for a ticket to the free show.

No, you cannot sport a grandma mullet

A friend of mine snapped this winning photo while walking in NYC the other day.  This grandma took the mom haircut to another level, schnazzing it up a bit with a silver mullet rat tail thing.  Definitely a prime example of 'party in the back', though I'm not sure that this extra appendage really aids her in climbing the social ladder of Manhattan.  It would be helpful , however, if say she only had dental floss to use as a hair tie, children in the park were in need of  a rope for tug-of-war, or whilst attempting to recreate a Rapunzel scene off the Brooklyn Bridge while her lover stands below.  She may just be starting a trend...

No, you cannot accost me on my morning commute

This story comes from our very own Sasha Fierce via a co-worker who had an interesting morning...

"I woke up a bit late today- showered, got dressed, grabbed my umbrella and tried to catch the 8:30 am train. As you know, around that time the subways are packed with people but to my delight the car I entered was barely full. Early morning victory!  Short-lived...

The doors open and 6 - 7 people flood in before me.... the car is getting full so I try and wiggle my way through to the middle where there is open space. As I get on I notice a man in a wheelchair, who couldn't have been more than 30 years old, on the opposite side of the car. He was dressed in a black Ramones t-shirt, tattered jeans, and had a chlorine colored Mohawk, fairly normal for the New York crowd.  A plus to my morning, he was attempting to sing off of a piece of paper; judging by the mood of the commuter crowd, the tunes were not welcome. Around 23rd street his voice started shrieking as more people entered the train; unfazed, I began walking towards the middle of the car trying to get to open space. Unfortunately, his wheelchair was in the way, and in order to get to the middle of the car I had to step past him- a common move on a busy train.

He was singing as I made my first attempt to step past him but he suddenly stopped, bent over, and put his hands right in front of my shins to stop me. I looked at him puzzled for a second, but he didn’t say anything, just kept his hands there. I said excuse me but he still didn’t move. Determined to get to the middle of the car, I again attempted to step past this crazy a-hole. He then went completely insane.

He started punching me in the calf and thigh then swung at the family jewels, at which point I pushed aside my compassion for his situation and knocked his hands away while running in the opposite direction. Keep in mind there are 30 - 40 other people in the car all watching this insanity occur. I was completely bewildered by his actions and asked him what the f he was doing. He looked at me and then... spit in my face. The on-lookers let out a collective gasp which lead to a domino effect of screaming throughout the car.

I didn’t know what to do!  I wiped the spit off my face and tried to collect myself before I did something I would regret.  A couple of nice ladies gave me a wet nap so I could remove the filth from my face.  After about 2 minutes of the crowd screaming at him the mood calms and people are asking if I'm alright.  Meanwhile, the insanity continues as he wheels around asking for money for his sub-sub-par performance.  The New Yorkers live up to their stereotype and tell him to go f himself, while one large, scary looking guy says to him, "If you even look at me I'll kill you."  He stops and sits humming to himself for the remainder of the ride. We stop at 59^th street.  It's not over.

As I turn to walk out the door a small Latina woman who saw this whole thing go down tears the umbrella out of my hands and proceeds to BEAT THE GUY OVER THE HEAD WITH IT!! Unreal. She started screaming and smacking him with it; as wheelchair guy tries to take it from her, life-threatening scary man comes over, rips the umbrella out of both of their hands, then PICKS UP THE WHEELCHAIR AND DUMPS HIM OUT OF THE CAR ONTO THE PLATFORM!

At this point it’s a giant scene @ the 59^th street station with everyone on the platform stopping to get a glimpse.  I try and sneak out the other end of the car and go upstairs when I see out of the corner of my eye the wheelchair coming at me full-speed, trying to run over me like a battering ram.  I jump out of the way and he slams into the wall....I tell the psycho that I wasn’t even the one who hit him, but he’s foaming at the mouth and tries to attack me again. Jokes on him, though; guess he didn't factor in the many staircases up to the street in his final plot to stop me from passing him on the train."

WOW.  Seriously, 8:30 in the morning is far too early to wage war on an innocent commuter; I'm assuming the end of this story for the crazy includes a few missing teeth and a short dangle over the tracks until MTA security intervened.  Let's hope.

No, You Cannot Bring Your Pony on the Train... and other abnormalities of the great city of New York

The name of this blog was inspired by a man in Wales who attempted to bring his pet pony on a train at the Wrexham General station last weekend, only to be told NO by the conductor.  He then later continued his acts of ridiculousness- first attempting to buy two tickets from the ticket booth (one for him and one for the pony), then later seen at a hospital asking for treatment for his pony (*Note: this was a human hospital).

It is people like this strange soul that make me wonder what possibly can be going through his head?  Everyday in New York City I see similar, if not more ghastly, examples of unforeseen farce from at least a handful of my 8 million + neighbors.  I am taking this opportunity to share these anomalies with my readers, whoever they may be, as I am sure everyone has a comment to add.  With that being said, feel free to send your stories of wanting to tell a complete stranger NO- the more material, the better.  I highly doubt I'll ever run out of material living here.

xo,
Lowe